IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic. “Parents should not pressure their children to choose a particular profession. Young people should have the freedom to choose a career path they like. To what extent do you agree or disagree?” You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence

#argument #case #reader #specialist #topic #“parents #pressure #children #profession #people #freedom #career #path #support #arguments #evidence
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, a
career
 is important for our
children
's
future
, when they have to choose a
career
 means their preparation for that. A
career
 can be called a job, or profession which on patterns of work-related experiences that stretch throughout work experienced by each individual/employee and can be broadly detailed into objective events
furthermore
, a
career
 is very important for anybody, especially young
people
. Improved and growth
children
's careers absolutely must be supported by our
parents
,
cause
Correct your spelling
because
show examples
 their
parents
 must be social support, care about their chosen passion until young
people
 have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
chosen a particular profession,
for example
, the
parents
 must
be understood
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
 about ability, interests, and potential young
people
career
. So, should not pressure their
children
 to choose a particular profession or
career
. If young
people
 follow their
parents
' wishes
children
 will be unhappy, stressed, anxious, and sometimes like that. I agree that young
people
 should have the freedom to choose a
career
 path they like, because can improve and grow up their
career
cause
Correct your spelling
because
show examples
 if they do it happily, they will work happily and their careers will be successful in the
future
. When young
people
 follow their passion, they will find their
Correct your spelling
self-identity
show examples
self- identity
Correct your spelling
self-identity
show examples
 in life and their
future
However
, as
parents
' we should support our
children
 to improve about
career
 and professions, we must understand what they want,
if
Correct word choice
and if
show examples
 their
children
 makes mistakes we give them information
how
Change preposition
on how
show examples
learn
Add the particle
to learn
show examples
 to be better and support them to be successful in their dream and
future
.
Submitted by wiwinwindiahadi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be enhanced by more consistently developing ideas with appropriate examples that are specific and relevant to the topic. Ensure that each paragraph contains one clear main idea and that the argument progresses logically from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ideas are generally organized, with a beginning and a tentative conclusion, though transitions between ideas can be smoother, and paragraphing could be more logical. Use a range of cohesive devices to create stronger links between ideas. Furthermore, consider the overall structure of the essay to ensure a clear progression throughout.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: