IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

some people believe that government should take the responsiblity of aged people while others believe that its individual responsibility. discuss both the views and opinion

#people #government #responsiblity #responsibility
The line graph compares the number of
crime
 rates in three varied
zone
Change to a plural noun
zones
show examples
 of
crime
 in Newport city centre over a 10-year period.
It is clear that
 burglary was by far the most common type of
crime
 at the beginning of the period.
Although
 the number of robbery incidents was the lowest in each year. In 2003, burglary’s numbers were the main
crime
 type in Newport City with 3400 occurrences. In that year, car theft numbers were
second highest
Add a hyphen
second-highest
show examples
 among
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
 types of
crime
 without 700 incidents compared to burglaries.
Also
, the
crime
 of robbery did not occur as
frequent
Change the word
frequently
show examples
 as as the other 2 types of
crime
, only 600 events. In 2008, the percentage of robberies dropped sharply from 3,400 to 1,100. The number of car thefts decreased slightly, namely
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 700.
However
, robberies had
negligible
Correct article usage
a negligible
show examples
 amount over the period given. #Gulbahor #REPORT1
Submitted by bekzodeshonjonovv on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential for setting the context and summarizing the main points. It is important to start with an introduction that paraphrases the question and to end with a conclusion that summarizes the findings or restates the writer's view.
Coherence and Cohesion
Main points are somewhat supported, yet the logical structure of the essay is underdeveloped. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and the information follows in a logical order with appropriate linking words to guide the reader.
Task Achievement
The response partially addresses the task with some explanation of the data. However, the essay does not fully delineate the changes over the 10-year period or compare the differences between crime types as would be necessary for a complete response.
Task Achievement
Try to develop ideas more comprehensively. Piecemeal information leads to lower clarity. Consider explaining some of the implications or reasons behind the trends. This would demonstrate an understanding that goes beyond merely describing the data.
Task Achievement
The use of specific examples is somewhat limited and at times unclear. To improve, include more detailed figures from the line graph throughout the essay, and clarify how they relate to each other.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: