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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that outdoor activities bring benefits to children's development rather than computer games, to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #activities #children #development #computer #games
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It is sometimes argued that children should spend their leisure time
on
Change preposition
apply
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participating in outdoor entertainment
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is more effective than video
games
.
While
 it is undeniable about the merits of playing computer
games
, I personally believe that outdoor
activities
 would bring more positive impacts on school students as a whole. On the one hand, there are several benefits
on
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of
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 computer
games
about
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for
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 both mental health and
development
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the development
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 of logical thinking ability.
Firstly
, after hectic lessons with numerous challenging tests, it is a great way to gain a sense of relaxation immediately.
As a result
, they could release
almost
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apply
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pressure in their mind, leading to refreshing energy
to
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for
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 other
activities
.
Secondly
, engaging in
online
Add an article
the online
an online
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 game matches with their friends not only is a form of entertainment but
also
 gives them some opportunities to improve their skills
such
 as teamwork,
problem solving
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problem-solving
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, time management or even interaction skill.
Consequently
, youngsters could be equipped with diverse skills before entering the
labor
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labour
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 market,
which
Correct word choice
and
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 they would encounter a wide range of difficulties.
On the other hand
, I argue that taking part in
activities
 outside would offer other additional advantages
besides
 playing computer
games
. From a short-term perspective, it allows their family to join these
activities
 together, resulting in increasing their face-to-face connection. A good example of
this
 is that by participating in various forms of recreation like football, badminton and shuttlecock, … they will be more likely to build up their relationship as a way to enjoy their family life.
Form
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From
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 a long-term perspective, an energetic lifestyle would enable them to keep fit and stay healthy, which is much more beneficial than a sedentary lifestyle. Indeed, with the increasing frequency of entertainment outside, their health tends to improve significantly and could avoid a wide range of risks related to cardiovascular, obesity or even cancer. In conclusion, from what I have discussed above, leisure
activities
 play an important in the development of schoolchildren.
Instead
 of immersing
in
Correct pronoun usage
themselves in
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totally
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apply
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video
games
, children should have a priority on outdoor sports to enhance both
the
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their
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 mental and physical health.
Submitted by vuvu.stm28.12 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay remains focused on the prompt throughout, including a more balanced discussion on the extent of agreement or disagreement.
coherence cohesion
Use clear topic sentences to introduce paragraphs. Aim for stronger cohesion through more varied conjunctions and transitions.
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