Some people say that outdoor activities bring benefits to children's development rather than computer games, to what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is sometimes argued that children should spend their leisure time
on
participating in outdoor entertainment Change preposition
apply
that
is more effective than video Correct pronoun usage
which
games
. While
it is undeniable about the merits of playing computer games
, I personally believe that outdoor activities
would bring more positive impacts on school students as a whole.
On the one hand, there are several benefits on
computer Change preposition
of
games
about
both mental health and Change preposition
for
development
of logical thinking ability. Correct article usage
the development
Firstly
, after hectic lessons with numerous challenging tests, it is a great way to gain a sense of relaxation immediately. As a result
, they could release almost
pressure in their mind, leading to refreshing energy Rephrase
apply
to
other Change preposition
for
activities
. Secondly
, engaging in online
game matches with their friends not only is a form of entertainment but Add an article
the online
an online
also
gives them some opportunities to improve their skills such
as teamwork, problem solving
, time management or even interaction skill. Add a hyphen
problem-solving
Consequently
, youngsters could be equipped with diverse skills before entering the labor
market, Change the spelling
labour
which
they would encounter a wide range of difficulties.
Correct word choice
and
On the other hand
, I argue that taking part in activities
outside would offer other additional advantages besides
playing computer games
. From a short-term perspective, it allows their family to join these activities
together, resulting in increasing their face-to-face connection. A good example of this
is that by participating in various forms of recreation like football, badminton and shuttlecock, … they will be more likely to build up their relationship as a way to enjoy their family life. Form
a long-term perspective, an energetic lifestyle would enable them to keep fit and stay healthy, which is much more beneficial than a sedentary lifestyle. Indeed, with the increasing frequency of entertainment outside, their health tends to improve significantly and could avoid a wide range of risks related to cardiovascular, obesity or even cancer.
In conclusion, from what I have discussed above, leisure Correct your spelling
From
activities
play an important in the development of schoolchildren. Instead
of immersing in
Correct pronoun usage
themselves in
totally
video Rephrase
apply
games
, children should have a priority on outdoor sports to enhance both the
mental and physical health.Change the word
their
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task achievement
Ensure that the essay remains focused on the prompt throughout, including a more balanced discussion on the extent of agreement or disagreement.
coherence cohesion
Use clear topic sentences to introduce paragraphs. Aim for stronger cohesion through more varied conjunctions and transitions.