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Band 4

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#sports #sky
Extremely
sports
 became very popular over these decades.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 if
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 debates of
people
 about its danger. Some individuals think that cost is extremely expensive or
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 health risks for all ages so they should be prohibited.
Personally
Add a comma
Personally,
show examples
 I believe that individuals ought to have their own choice and banning
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
may cause dissatisfaction among
such
people
.
According to
 the opinions of
such
people
, those extreme
sports
 may cause safety concerns because of
high
Add an article
the high
a high
show examples
 rate of
injures
Replace the word
injuries
show examples
 which may cause even
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fatalities.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 skiing
be
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
Add an article
a danger
show examples
danger
Replace the word
dangerous
show examples
 with lost
people
 who may accidentally end up in unknown forests going down from mountains.
Sky diving
Correct your spelling
Skydiving
show examples
 can be dangerous with some individuals
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 unable to open their parachutes.
Actually
Add a comma
Actually,
show examples
 these problems are inevitable for
unluckiest
Correct article usage
the unluckiest
show examples
. There is another reason
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
that's
Change noun form
that
show examples
 cost. Of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
that is
 extremely expensive and even
people
 who want to try extreme
sports
 but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not possible
due to
 their circumstances First of all
that is
 personal freedom with their choices. Everyone has their own dreams and extreme
sports
 are one of these goals.
That is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
freedom despite some risks
people
 should have friends to do whatever they want to.
The extreme
Correct article usage
Extreme
show examples
sports
 are the way for some
people
. Somebody can relax in
Correct article usage
a quite
show examples
quite
Correct your spelling
quiet
show examples
atmospheres
Fix the agreement mistake
atmosphere
show examples
. Just reading the books in different quiet libraries. But others are more energetic and prefer
extreme
Correct article usage
an extreme
show examples
 and loud atmosphere. They prefer different clubs or discos rather than just sitting meditating or reading some book and think
that is
 tiresome.
Buy banning
Verb problem
Banning
show examples
 these sorts
can
Change preposition
of can
show examples
 become a financial
problems
Correct the article-noun agreement
problem
show examples
. Somebody
having
Wrong verb form
is doing
show examples
 business with
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 places. And
this
 business created
workplace
Correct article usage
a workplace
show examples
 and it might take their jobs away. Of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
 it attracts
people
 and
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourism development much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
higher.
Personally
Add a comma
Personally,
show examples
 I think that banning can
might
Remove a modal verb
apply
show examples
be
problem
Add an article
a problem
show examples
 for
people
's income because
extremely
Change the word
extreme
show examples
sports
 attract
people
 and
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 impact
are being
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 higher
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 local areas where you can find it. And despite some
people
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 love those
sports
 and have
dream
Add an article
a dream
show examples
 to try it, would be sad not to implement their dreams that you may have had since childhood
Submitted by the.shla2009 on

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introduction conclusion present
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, making the argument hard to follow. Ensure that you include these elements to frame your discussion effectively.
supported main points
Your main points need to be better supported with specific examples or evidence. Make sure each point you make is followed up with an explanation or example that reinforces your argument.
logical structure
The structure of the essay is disorganized, and the ideas are not logically sequenced. Work on creating a more logical flow to your argument by organizing your ideas into clear paragraphs with topic sentences and supporting details.
complete response
The response fails to fully address the task as the position you take is unclear, and both sides of the argument are not adequately covered. Make sure to state your opinion clearly and discuss both views if the question requires it.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are not expressed clearly, and the essay has many issues with coherence. Strive for clear and direct sentences that convey your points succinctly, and avoid overly complicated or confusing structures.
relevant specific examples
The essay lacks relevant and specific examples to support the main points. Including factual, specific examples can greatly strengthen your argument and make the essay more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Get your IELTS Essential Vocabulary List —
Topic Vocabulary:
  • adrenaline rush
  • risk threshold
  • thrill-seeking
  • safety protocols
  • hazard assessment
  • adventure tourism
  • regulatory framework
  • personal autonomy
  • informed consent
  • risk mitigation strategies
  • thrill-seeking behavior
  • protective gear
  • extreme athleticism
  • freedom of choice
  • accident prevalence
  • emergency response
  • courage and resilience
  • endorphin release
  • legal implications
  • peer pressure effects
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