IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

AT THE PRESENT TIME, THE POPULATION OF SOME COUNTRIES INCLUDES A RELATIVELY LARGE NUMBER OF YOUNG ADULTS, COMPARED WITH THE NUMBER OF OLDER PEOPLE. DO THE ADVANTAGES OF THIS SITUATION OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGES?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, people aged between 18 and 26 seem to be outnumbering their older counterparts in a few countries of the world.
This
 phenomenon, I perceive, is more likely to be positive given the potential contribution of those young adults to workplaces, healthcare and the
overall
 nature of a country. Apparently, one of the main plus points of having a large young population in a country is that society does not have to be worried about the next generation of the workforce.
In other words
, the young adults they have now can shape a young abundant workforce, which has some promising impacts on workplaces. Young staff, obviously, bring new values
such
 as new more effective ways of problem-solving and wider perspectives to the job market with themselves.
As a result
, when their skills and experience that match the modern demands of the modern world are fully harnessed, it would boost work efficiency leading to numerous improvements in almost all fields ranging from businesses to politics. What is more, the fewer old members and more young members the society has, the less strain it puts on its healthcare systems. Because the "costly" health problems like heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
, diabetes, high blood pressure and many other chronic illnesses are less present in the community, the government can stand a better chance to channel most of its investments and focus
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
 other crucial areas including education, public services and so on.
On the other hand
, the higher proportion of young individuals in the total population might pose a concerning threat to the general welfare of a nation in some way.
This
,
for example
, can be seen in the increasing rates of crime, primarily in underdeveloped and developing states across the globe.
Besides
, if the number of youngsters - those who graduated from secondary schools rises, it is no wonder that the need for proper higher institutes will grow at an unprecedented speed. For that matter, governments have to use all possible financial resources to meet that skyrocketing need or it will simply add to the unskilled and unqualified population.
However
, once the majority of young people are provided with a decent university or college education - when governments manage to respond to that demand, possible crimes committed by young individuals may be prevented or reduced to some extent, I think. In conclusion, I believe the positive changes that young adults are able to bring about can be much greater than the hurdles they may create when they are given all the necessary opportunities to shine.
Submitted by begzodjumaboyev2005 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are clearly distinct and fully established. Your essay lacks a definitive conclusion, which is crucial for signaling the end of your argument to the reader.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are generally supported, the essay would benefit from a deeper development of examples. More specific evidence and detailed explanations would strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Your task response is adequate but can be improved by delivering a more rounded discussion of the topic. Both sides of the argument, including relevant advantages and disadvantages, should be balanced and exemplified.
task achievement
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your ideas. This provides evidence of your ability to relate your argument to real-world scenarios, which is a critical aspect of the task at hand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: