IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other. Others argue that people have become more independent. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #world
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 essay
discuss
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discusses
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 different
perpectives
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perspectives
 of
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dependency
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the dependency
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 of
people
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 in the
modren
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modern
 world which actually influence by
the
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apply
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modern technologies and innovation. The
writter
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writer
writers
try
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tries
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 to present both views and elaborate based on personal point of view. Nowadays in the modern
wolrd
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world
 where
technology
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 is the center of human
activities
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,
people
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tends
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tend
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 to do many
activities
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 at
fast
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a fast
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 speed. There are many
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technology
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technologies
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 that now can connect
people
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in
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on
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daily
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a daily
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 basis,
such
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 as social media, e-commerce, and
fast
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a fast
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 amount of apps developed currently.
This
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 means that
people
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 can be connected easily with
other
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each other
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 either to do
activities
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 collectively or to help each other necessity.
That is
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 one of
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the reason
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reason
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reasons
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 that modern
people
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 are said to be more dependent on each other. On the other side, the
technology
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 itself
also
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help
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helps
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people
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 to become more independent in doing their daily
activities
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.
They
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They are
They were
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 able to get information independently and
this
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increase
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increases
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 their individual capacities. But
that is
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 actually because
the
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apply
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people
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 get help from other
people
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 who are relatively far from them through
technology
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. So the
independent
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independence
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 of modern
people
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 actually is just a reformation to
new
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a new
the new
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 way of
dependency
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 helped by
technology
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 and seen
by
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from
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 a different perspective.
For
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example
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example,
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 a family who
are
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is
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 living far away from their origin place might be seen as independent from the perspective of their relatives in the origin village but what actually
happen
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happens
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 is that
family
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the family
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 get help from
people
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 in their
neighborhood
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neighbourhood
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. In a nutshell,
technology
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 has influenced how
people
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 are connected to each other in the modern world.
People
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tends
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tend
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 to
do
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apply
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be connected easily with others to do
activities
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 collectively or getting help from others who are
also
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 connected via
technology
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. So the
dependency
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 of modern
people
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are
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is
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 actually a reformation concept of the old
dependency
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. Technological advancements have undeniably increased individual capacities, but the complexity of global challenges requires collective solutions.
Submitted by mutiaraardian56 on

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task achievement
The essay adequately attempts to address the question, but there is room for improvement in fleshing out the examples and the argument. To fully respond to the task, ensure that the response gives a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before coming to a clear, well-supported conclusion on the candidate's own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally presents ideas in a sequence. However, the coherence and cohesion can be significantly improved. Logical links between ideas need to be more explicit. To enhance cohesion, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly indicate the main idea of each paragraph.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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