Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Children are glued to their smartphones these days Which is likely to have detrimental effects.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay investigates
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

issue with its positive and negative outcomes. There are numerous reasons why teenagers utilize their phones for long hours on a daily basis. The main and most significant
fator
Correct your spelling
factor

If you don’t want fator to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

which attracts them to digital gadgets is the fact that they come from a generation called digital natives.
In other words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, Being born and
grown
Wrong verb form
growing

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb grown. Consider changing it.

show examples
up with technology makes
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
technology
the
Correct article usage
an

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
integral part of their routine tasks.
According to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

a
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
research conducted in Japan, even a two-year-old needs no instruction in order to be able to initiate touching the screens and surf the net.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, as mentioned above, their
every day
Replace the word
everyday

The word every day may be used incorrectly. Review the following notes to determine the appropriate usage for your context.

show examples
life and
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

assignments can not be separated from electronic devices. They are obliged to check their
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

groups on
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications

It seems that application may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as
telegram
Add an article
a telegram

The noun phrase telegram seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
to be informed with the latest news about the assigned homework by the teachers.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

dependency on
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
electronic devices
expects
Wrong verb form
is expected

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb expects. Consider changing it.

show examples
to bring severely negative consequences.
Firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
as a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of inactivity, youngsters suffer from obesity and other health problems. Teenagers who waste their time playing with their
phoned
Replace the word
phones

The word phoned doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
and stay still
twenty four
Add a hyphen
twenty-four

It appears that you are missing a hyphen with the compound number twenty four. Consider adding a hyphen.

show examples
hours are enormously expected to be overweight.
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, provided that schoolchildren are given phones from
the
Correct article usage
a

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
very early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age

It seems that ages may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
will be less attentive at
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. They are highly distracted in class and are not able to concentrate on what is taught.
To conclude
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, Children are using their phones a lot more than before since they are considered
as
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
digital natives and their routines are combined with
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
technology.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

affects their lives
negativley
Correct your spelling
negatively

If you don’t want negativley to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

in a way that they cannot focus at
school
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

and
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

because
their
Change preposition
of their

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
passiveness most
of
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
young children suffer from fatness.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

CoherenceCohesion
The essay displays a moderate level of coherence, but it could be improved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring paragraphs flow together more seamlessly.
CoherenceCohesion
Main points need to be better supported with specific details and examples. Consider adding real-world instances or case studies to underpin arguments.
TaskAchievement
Your response to the tasks is adequate, yet a more balanced view that elaborates on both positive and negative developments will enhance the quality of your answer. Try to present a more nuanced perspective.
TaskAchievement
Ideas need to be expressed more comprehensively. Aim for clearer articulation of your thoughts and ensure that each point is fully developed before moving to the next.
TaskAchievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Avoid generic statements by providing evidence that directly supports your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: