IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Children are glued to their smartphones these days Which is likely to have detrimental effects.
This
Linking Words
 essay investigates
this
Linking Words
 issue with its positive and negative outcomes. There are numerous reasons why teenagers utilize their phones for long hours on a daily basis. The main and most significant
fator
Correct your spelling
factor
 which attracts them to digital gadgets is the fact that they come from a generation called digital natives.
In other words
Linking Words
, Being born and
grown
Wrong verb form
growing
show examples
 up with technology makes
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 integral part of their routine tasks.
According to
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research conducted in Japan, even a two-year-old needs no instruction in order to be able to initiate touching the screens and surf the net.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, as mentioned above, their
every day
Replace the word
everyday
show examples
 life and
school
Use synonyms
 assignments can not be separated from electronic devices. They are obliged to check their
school
Use synonyms
 groups on
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
telegram
Add an article
a telegram
show examples
 to be informed with the latest news about the assigned homework by the teachers.
This
Linking Words
 dependency on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronic devices
expects
Wrong verb form
is expected
show examples
 to bring severely negative consequences.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
as a result
Linking Words
 of inactivity, youngsters suffer from obesity and other health problems. Teenagers who waste their time playing with their
phoned
Replace the word
phones
show examples
 and stay still
twenty four
Add a hyphen
twenty-four
show examples
 hours are enormously expected to be overweight.
In addition
Linking Words
, provided that schoolchildren are given phones from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 very early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 will be less attentive at
school
Use synonyms
. They are highly distracted in class and are not able to concentrate on what is taught.
To conclude
Linking Words
, Children are using their phones a lot more than before since they are considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
digital natives and their routines are combined with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology.
This
Linking Words
 affects their lives
negativley
Correct your spelling
negatively
 in a way that they cannot focus at
school
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 because
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 passiveness most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young children suffer from fatness.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

CoherenceCohesion
The essay displays a moderate level of coherence, but it could be improved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring paragraphs flow together more seamlessly.
CoherenceCohesion
Main points need to be better supported with specific details and examples. Consider adding real-world instances or case studies to underpin arguments.
TaskAchievement
Your response to the tasks is adequate, yet a more balanced view that elaborates on both positive and negative developments will enhance the quality of your answer. Try to present a more nuanced perspective.
TaskAchievement
Ideas need to be expressed more comprehensively. Aim for clearer articulation of your thoughts and ensure that each point is fully developed before moving to the next.
TaskAchievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Avoid generic statements by providing evidence that directly supports your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: