Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that thia would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There is a discussion regarding different views on improving public
health
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,
while
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one
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group of
people
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raised the importance of building more
sports
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facilities
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, the other group believed it would not be effective and requested other ideas to be implemented. Despite the increasing number of
sports
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facilities
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that would help
people
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to
exercise
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more and help improve their
health
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, there are other methods
also
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that need to be explored to not only improve the physique but
also
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the mental
health
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of the public. Some
people
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do not have the luxury to be able to
exercise
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in their homes.
This
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is where
sports
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facilities
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play a big role by providing them
value
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the value
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of a place where they could focus on training
in addition
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to the equipment needed like bench press machines for weightlifting.
In addition
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to that,
people
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also
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tend to
exercise
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more in the
sports
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facility because of positive reinforcement or peer pressure from others.
For example
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, in
Jakarta
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, after the government opened the access to running track of the football stadium in the centre of the city, more
people
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especially employees who worked nearby, decided to run with their group of friends
while
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waiting for afternoon traffic to be dismissed.
Furthermore
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, the independent study summarized that those changes impacted in growing
Jakarta
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's
health
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indicator by 10%.
However
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,
while
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the physique is
one
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of the important aspects of
health
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, there is another part that needs to be improved and maintained, which is mental.
While
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the previous approach help
people
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in a physical way, it could not reach much on mental
health
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improvement. Problems like stress
due to
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overwork or life pressure,
for example
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, could not be solved by
exercise
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only and need other types of solutions like holidays, supporting groups, work-life balance, etc.
For instance
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, in the same city,
Jakarta
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is well known as
one
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of the cities with congested traffic in the world causing employees to go to the office early and arrive home late. The other independent study said
this
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problem was
one
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of the main drivers of
high
Correct article usage
the high
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stress level of
Jakarta
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's workers, which later reduced drastically after the government
stated
Verb problem
established
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new regulations for working from home. In conclusion, the development of more
sports
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facilities
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benefits public
health
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but there are additional methods that need to be implemented to improve it more effectively.
Submitted by gurunnevada on

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task achievement
Make sure to introduce the topic and your thesis statement more clearly in your introduction. Tailor your conclusion to neatly summarize the points discussed and clearly state your own position in the matter.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs follow a logical sequence. Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas. Be consistent in the use of tense and pronouns for better clarity and cohesion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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