IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There are groups who say members of society succeed in equal conditions whilst other groups indicate that if there is freedom in society
one
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 can still succeed based on their personal capabilities. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss why equality is highly important and without it, people's freedom is in jeopardy. On the
one
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 hand,struggling and having challenges in the community in order to flourish is vital though demanding and energy taking. Meanwhile, some assume that high achievements are still accessible provided that a person owns unique characteristics or talents which make him or her unreachable.
For instance
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, they justify that if a person benefits from strong muscles and is well-built in wrestling no
one
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 can compete even in unequal conditions.
In addition
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, in the mentioned situation
one
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 has to practise more
therefore
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, it will increase the chance of achievement.
Overall
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, based on
this
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 idea, everything depends on the person first rather than the community's atmosphere.
On the other hand
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, we have to bear in mind that equality in the world is the basic right of people even though history shows it has been scratched so far.
while
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 I suppose that
one
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 has to do the best and never give up, equilibrium must be conducted in society in any form to give the space for talented ones to display themselves . By way of illustration, if you own a strong physic but are not allowed in the same condition to compete with your counterpart, how would it be possible to win the game because your rival has already won the game by injustice.
in other words
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, the more you try to boost your situation the more opposite power will be driven toward you to defeat you. All in all, equality is a basic necessity for
one
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 to succeed. In summary, it is understandable by many that
one
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 has to put more effort into struggling with an unjust atmosphere, but in my opinion, if there is no just going on there will be no same achievements for the same group of public members after all.

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task achievement
Consider clarifying and expanding your examples to better support your viewpoints. Clear, specific examples help to illustrate your points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Watch for minor grammatical errors and clarity in expression. While small mistakes are permissible, clearer expression can enhance the overall quality of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly sets up the two opposing viewpoints, providing a strong foundation for your discussion.
coherence cohesion
You effectively use a logical structure to organize your essay, making your arguments easy to follow and understand.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing the main points of your essay.
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