IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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It has been widely claimed that increasing the
price
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 of sugary products will decrease
the
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apply
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consumption
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 among
people
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.
While
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 it is argued by some that the method is not
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
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 factor
to reduce
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in reducing
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the
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apply
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sugar
consumption
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.
This
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 essay discusses
with
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apply
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the perspectives
why
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on why
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 I consider that
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
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 the
price
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 of
the
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apply
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goods is not
particularly
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a particularly
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 effective method for persuading
people
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 to reduce
the
Change the word
their
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 sugar
consumption
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 habitat for
being
Wrong verb form
be
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 heathier. To
being
Verb problem
begin
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 with, it might seem reasonable for some to believe that the
price
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 of goods is one of
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the important
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important
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the important
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Fix the agreement mistake
factors
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factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
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 that makes the effect to
decision
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the decision
a decision
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 of customers.
However
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, it could be less important
in
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on
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 a hard
day
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.
For example
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,
people
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 might consider a reward for themselves after going through
the
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a
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 hard
day
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 or difficult situation as
such
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 favourite dessert and drinking.
For
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From
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this
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 perspective, it could make the
food
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 more
affective
Correct your spelling
effective
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 to buy even
the
Correct word choice
if the
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price
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 of the
food
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 is higher than other types of
food
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.
Moreover
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, it could
a
Add a missing verb
be a
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significant point to debate that
interest
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the interest
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 of
customer
Fix the agreement mistake
customers
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 to make a decision on consuming
food
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 is not always attracted by the
price
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. To clarify the argument, it could be seen that some
people
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 in society nowadays are surrounded by hectic
circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstances
show examples
.
For instance
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, fast foods or processed
food
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 are more reachable during the working
day
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.
As a consequence
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,
this
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 could cause
people
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Fix the infinitive
to loss
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loss
Replace the word
lose
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 focus on the reason to consume the
food
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 for their health but choose to buy
food
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that is
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 easily available. In conclusion,
although
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 it is undeniable that the
price
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 of sugar should be rising to reduce the
consumption
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 for better health of
population
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the population
a population
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, I am the option believing that the
price
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 of the product could not affect the consuming habitat because
people
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 still seem to prefer to buy the sweet
food
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 on
tough
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a tough
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day
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 as a reward and on
busy
Change the article
a busy
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day
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 because of the convenience.
Submitted by kanittha.sma on

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Task Achievement
Ensure you address all parts of the task and provide a clear position throughout the response. Both sides of the argument should be covered, especially if the essay prompt asks for discussion of views. Make sure your conclusion summarises your opinion in a clear manner.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the logical flow of the essay by improving paragraph structure and the use of cohesive devices. Ensure that your ideas build naturally on each other, and the link between your main topic and your supporting information is clear.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
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