IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.

#countries #people #population #government #society
In many countries,
people
 are now living longer than ever before. Some
people
 say an ageing population creates problems for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. Other
people
 think there are benefits if
society
 has more elderly
people
. It has been widely claimed that an ageing
society
 could cause issues for
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
.
While
 it is argued by some that there are beneficial sides
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
This
 essay
firstly
Change the word
first
show examples
 discusses
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both perspectives before elaborating why I consider
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the ageing
society
provides
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to be a positive circumstance. To
being
Verb problem
begin
show examples
 with, it might seem reasonable for some to believe that an ageing community is leading to problems to manage.
This
 is
properly
Change the word
proper
show examples
 because the cost of public services for old
people
 is expensive because it requires more complex technology or more
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 innovation.
For example
, in
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of medical services, the fee
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 medicine or special treatment for
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
show examples
 group might be high because of the serious health condition.
For
Change preposition
From
show examples
this
 perspective, it could make the government
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 difficult situation to find the budget for providing those services.
On the other hand
, it could
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
significant point to debate that having grandparents in
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
 is a good foundation
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
living
Correct article usage
the living
show examples
 of
people
 in the country. To clarify the argument, it could be seen that grandparents nowadays
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 a person to look after their grandchild in the working days
instead
 of the children’s
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
.
For instance
, in the case that the parent lives in the city because of their occupation, their child
stay
Correct subject-verb agreement
stays
show examples
 in the rural area for education.
As a consequence
,
this
 could cause the duty
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the old
people
 to be supportive
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the family.
Submitted by kanittha.sma on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task prompt. You should also provide a conclusive statement that summarizes your position on the issue.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you need to structure your essay more logically, with clear progression from one idea to the next. Your introduction and conclusion are notably missing, which affects your overall score. Ensure you have a distinct introduction that introduces the topic, a body that explores your ideas, and a conclusion that wraps up your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices to connect your ideas more effectively, and work on paragraphing to clearly separate points. This will help make your essay easier to follow and understand.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: