IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it.

#people #attention
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It has been widely claimed that
advertisement
 has been an important part
that is
 successfully able to persuade
people
 to buy something.
While
 it is argued by some that it is not too crucial for consumers to
give
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it.
This
 essay
firstly
 discusses
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both perspectives before elaborating why I consider that advertising is
particularly
Add an article
a particularly
show examples
 potential method for marketing. To
being
Verb problem
begin
show examples
 with, it might seem reasonable for some to believe
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 power of
advertisement
.
This
 is
properly
Change the word
proper
show examples
 because it has always been a part of several
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
show examples
reverent
Correct word choice
relevant
show examples
 to our normal life and the story of the advertising might be well written to attract
attention
Add an article
the attention
show examples
 of the target of the product.
For example
, in
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of
car
Add an article
the car
show examples
 industry, the actor playing
selling
Correct article usage
a selling
show examples
 role in the
advertisement
 might be
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
 racing
winners
Fix the agreement mistake
winner
show examples
instead
 of
common
Add an article
a common
show examples
 businessman.
For
Change preposition
From
show examples
this
 perspective, it could make the content more attractive to believe that the car is the first choice for
people
 who have technical knowledge related to cars.
On the other hand
, it could
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
significant point to debate that
interest
Correct article usage
the interest
show examples
 of customers is no longer attracted by those persuading. To clarify the argument, it could be seen that
people
 in society nowadays are surrounded by too
various
Correct word choice
much
show examples
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
.
For instance
,
smartphone
Add an article
the smartphone
a smartphone
show examples
 is one of
tools
Add an article
the tools
show examples
 to access online information that contains
board
Correct article usage
a board
show examples
 of knowledge and information
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 several topics.
As a consequence
,
this
 could cause
people
lost
Change the verb form
to lose
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their focus on the message in the
advertisement
.
However
, I personally believe that it especially plays
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
 role in marketing in the present if sellers are able to arrange the story to be
creditable
Correct word choice
credible
show examples
 and sincere. In
this
 case, giving
people
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 both sides of the product might help
people
 trust the messages because there are positive and negative reviews of the product to compare.
For
this
 reason,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adverting
Correct your spelling
advertising
show examples
 will be useful for
people
, leading them
start
Add the particle
to start
show examples
 giving their interest to the
adverting
Correct your spelling
advertising
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
 it is undeniable that some
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not greatly interested in commercial
messaged
Replace the word
messages
show examples
, I am the option believing that the message could be able to catch our attention, depending on the
creditable
Correct word choice
credible
show examples
 story of
advertisement
Correct article usage
the advertisement
show examples
.
Submitted by kanittha.sma on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear, logical structure that is easy to follow. The flow of your ideas appears somewhat disordered, and paragraphs sometimes lack clear central ideas which can make it difficult for the reader to comprehend the argument you are making.
coherence cohesion
Use a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your essay. These components were present, but they could be enhanced with a stronger thesis statement in the introduction and a more decisive summary in the conclusion to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with clear, relevant examples and explanations. Some of the points were underdeveloped and could have benefited from more detailed examples that are directly relevant to the topic to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task to ensure a complete response. It seems as though the essay only partially covers the prompt as there is an imbalance in discussing each viewpoint, and the personal opinion is not explored in depth.
task achievement
Express your ideas clearly and comprehensively throughout your essay. While you touch on relevant ideas, some clarity is lost due to underdeveloped points and a lack of specific examples, which inhibits a full exploration of the topic.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples that effectively support your argument. The essay included few examples, and those included lacked the specific detail necessary to effectively contribute to the argument you are attempting to make.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuade
  • promote
  • attract
  • influence
  • impact
  • consumerism
  • commercialism
  • market
  • product
  • brand
  • endorsement
  • manipulative
  • saturated
  • overwhelmed
  • repetitive
  • distracting
  • irrelevant
  • exaggerated
  • misleading
  • desensitized
What to do next:
Look at other essays: