IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

In some countries fast food restaurants and supermarket gives money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development.

#countries #food #restaurants #supermarket #money #schools #products #development
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
, marketers have left no stone unturned to
untice
Correct your spelling
untie
 customers. In some nations, drive-in restaurants and
super stores
Correct your spelling
superstores
show examples
 tie up with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
educational institutes to promote their product. In my opinion, It negatively impacts the child's physical and mental health.
Subsequant
Correct your spelling
Subsequent
 paragraphs will explain my point of view -
To begin
 with, these food items affect the physical health of teenagers by making them obese and
lathargic
Correct your spelling
lethargic
. To expound, teenagers are the easy target to achieve sales by creating food stations in canteen or cafeteria where they like to spend most of their time gossiping and having
quick
Add an article
a quick
show examples
 snack in no time. Excessive consumption of
high-calories
Correct your spelling
high-calorie
show examples
 food not only
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them fat but
also
 . Eating
high sugar
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
 products,
for example
, could result in
life threating
Add a hyphen
life-threating
show examples
 diseases
such
 as diabetes, irregular blood pressure and even heart attack.
Thus
, advertising less nutrient and
high fat
Add a hyphen
high-fat
show examples
 products in schools create health concern for school-goers. To
further
 solidify my point, unhealthy eating habits could
also
 bring
pshycological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 issues for students.
Eatings
Correct your spelling
Eating
show examples
 burgers and fries regularly
turns
Change the verb form
turn
show examples
 them into couch potatoes and they lose interest in interacting with others.
Submitted by Gursharan910 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. Your introduction effectively sets the topic, but the conclusion is missing, which is crucial for summarizing your arguments and reiterating your position. Include a final paragraph to complete the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas logically. The points provided could be arranged in a more structured manner to enhance the logical flow. Use transition words and topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
task achievement
Expand on your main points with specific examples. While you've identified negative impacts on health, including psychological issues, further illustration with specific, real-world examples or statistics could strengthen the argument and provide concrete evidence to underpin your claims.
task achievement
Address the prompt fully by discussing both positive and negative developments, unless you justify a strong one-sided argument. In this case, you've only focused on the negative side. A balanced approach or a justified one-sided argument would better meet the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary. To improve your score, diversify your language use and exhibit control over complex sentence forms.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sponsorship
  • commercialism
  • educational funding
  • brand loyalty
  • public health concerns
  • critical thinking
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • nutritional education
  • corporate influence
  • scholarships
  • educational resources
  • marketing strategies
  • ethical considerations
  • consumer habits
  • financial incentives
  • underfunded schools
  • health implications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: