IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

In some countries fast food restaurants and supermarket gives money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development.

#countries #food #restaurants #supermarket #money #schools #products #development
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Nowdays
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Nowadays
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, marketers have left no stone unturned to
untice
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untie
 customers. In some nations, drive-in restaurants and
super stores
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superstores
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 tie up with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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educational institutes to promote their product. In my opinion, It negatively impacts the child's physical and mental health.
Subsequant
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Subsequent
 paragraphs will explain my point of view -
To begin
 with, these food items affect the physical health of teenagers by making them obese and
lathargic
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lethargic
. To expound, teenagers are the easy target to achieve sales by creating food stations in canteen or cafeteria where they like to spend most of their time gossiping and having
quick
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a quick
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 snack in no time. Excessive consumption of
high-calories
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high-calorie
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 food not only
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them fat but
also
 . Eating
high sugar
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high-sugar
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 products,
for example
, could result in
life threating
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life-threating
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 diseases
such
 as diabetes, irregular blood pressure and even heart attack.
Thus
, advertising less nutrient and
high fat
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high-fat
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 products in schools create health concern for school-goers. To
further
 solidify my point, unhealthy eating habits could
also
 bring
pshycological
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psychological
 issues for students.
Eatings
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Eating
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 burgers and fries regularly
turns
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turn
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 them into couch potatoes and they lose interest in interacting with others.
Submitted by Gursharan910 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. Your introduction effectively sets the topic, but the conclusion is missing, which is crucial for summarizing your arguments and reiterating your position. Include a final paragraph to complete the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas logically. The points provided could be arranged in a more structured manner to enhance the logical flow. Use transition words and topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
task achievement
Expand on your main points with specific examples. While you've identified negative impacts on health, including psychological issues, further illustration with specific, real-world examples or statistics could strengthen the argument and provide concrete evidence to underpin your claims.
task achievement
Address the prompt fully by discussing both positive and negative developments, unless you justify a strong one-sided argument. In this case, you've only focused on the negative side. A balanced approach or a justified one-sided argument would better meet the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary. To improve your score, diversify your language use and exhibit control over complex sentence forms.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sponsorship
  • commercialism
  • educational funding
  • brand loyalty
  • public health concerns
  • critical thinking
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • nutritional education
  • corporate influence
  • scholarships
  • educational resources
  • marketing strategies
  • ethical considerations
  • consumer habits
  • financial incentives
  • underfunded schools
  • health implications
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