IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Beside a lot of advantages, some people believe that the Internet creates many problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #internet
Some
people
 argue that
while
 the
internet
 has brought numerous positive changes and advancements, it has
also
 given rise to various challenges and problems.
This
 essay will show that
this
 statement is completely correct
due to
 the fact that
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 causes cyberbullying and online
thefts
.
Firstly
, one of the main problems caused by
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 is cyberbullying. Many
people
 express their hate to others more freely and without any actual consequences using the
internet
,
due to
 the anonymity provided by it.
This
 can be expressed in the
forms
Fix the agreement mistake
form
show examples
 of bending repeated threatening emails, messages, or comments with the intention of causing fear or emotional distress to their haters.
Therefore
, youths have many problems related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 mental health and are always afraid to communicate with other
people
.
Secondly
, there are many
thefts
 happening
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Add an article
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
.
People
 who are computer experts, like hackers, can easily get access to the personal data of companies, advertisers, and even governments, without being caught, because of the hardness of tracking activities online.
Therefore
, many
people
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
this
 opportunity
do
Verb problem
to make
show examples
 money
thefts
 by opening false bank accounts using the personal data of other
people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
blackmail
Wrong verb form
blackmailing
show examples
 big business corporations and governments to not leak their data to
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
.
As a result
 of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 acts, many
people
 are
illegally
Change the word
illegal
show examples
 but easily
gets
Correct subject-verb agreement
get
show examples
 a quick and big income, without any consequences. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the idea that
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 can cause
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of trouble, particularly online
thefts
 and cyberbullying. So, despite many
advantages
Add a comma
advantages,
show examples
 we need to be cautious when we use the
internet
.
Submitted by abdullaevayt on

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Supported Main Points
Be sure to develop your main points more thoroughly. Expand on the examples you provide and relate them back to the topic to strengthen the argument.
Introduction Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are evident, but the introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement reflecting the extent of your agreement or disagreement.
Logical Structure
Work on creating more complex sentence structures and use a variety of linking words to improve coherence and cohesion in your essay.
Complete Response
Ensure that your response answers all parts of the task. While you've addressed the problems caused by the internet, challenge yourself to explore counterarguments to present a more balanced view.
Clear Comprehensive Ideas
Clarify and expand your ideas to ensure they are comprehensive. Aim for each paragraph to contain one clear main idea with specific details to support it.
Relevant Specific Examples
Include a wider range of relevant and specific examples to support your points, and make sure to elaborate on how these examples connect to the main argument of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • E-commerce
  • Consumer behavior
  • Virtual marketplace
  • Cybersecurity
  • Digital footprint
  • Return policy
  • Comparison shopping
  • Customer reviews
  • Retail therapy
  • Logistics
  • User interface
  • Payment gateway
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