IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers – playing games, chatting and watching videos. But all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours working on computers throughout their education ad their working lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Nowadays,
children
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 are living in
technology
Correct article usage
a technology
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centery
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century
 where they are surrounded by
computers
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 and their applications.
Hence
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,
children
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 have spent more
time
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 on
computers
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 than in the past.
While
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 some people would agree
with
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that
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 playing games, chatting and watching videos on
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computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
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 may benefit
for
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apply
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them throughout their education and
work
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 lives,
but
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apply
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in my opinion, spending too much
time
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 on
computers
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 is not good for young kids
eye
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vision
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 and negatively impacts
to
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apply
show examples
their
performance
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 at school.
Firstly
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, spending a long
time
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 on
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computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 will badly affect
to
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apply
show examples
Use synonyms
eye
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the
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vision
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 of
children
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 from
their
Change the word
a
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 young
ages
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age
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. In fact, a lot of studies show that the light and
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apply
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the
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apply
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brightness
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of
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from
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of
show examples
computer
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 reduces human
eye
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Fix the agreement mistake
sight
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sights
Fix the agreement mistake
sight
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.
Besides
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 that, experts
also
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 recommend people who have to
work
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 on
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computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 for a long
time
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 to have a few minutes break after every sixty minutes to protect their eyes. Once the
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eye
Correct your spelling
eyesight
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 sights
get
Verb problem
apply
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affected by
computers
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' lights,
children
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 will have
difficult
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a difficult
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time
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to read
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reading
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 and
see
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seeing
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, they must stick with specs or undergo
eye
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 surgery when they grow up.
Therefore
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, spending too much
time
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 on
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computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
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 is harmful to
childen's
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children's
eye
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vision
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.
Furthermore
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, knowing being good with
computers
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 is not the only skill to help
children
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 to be successful in their studies and future
work
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 lives.
By contrast
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, spending too much
time
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 on
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computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
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 will negatively affect
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performance
Add an article
the performance
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 of
children
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 at school.
For instance
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,
children
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 cannot manage
time
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 to finish their
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
 if they spend most of the
time
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 with
computers
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for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing games, chatting and watching videos,
as a result
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, their study
performance
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 will
get
Verb problem
be
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 impacted.
Also
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,
children
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 need to develop some other skills which are beneficial for their education and
work
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 lives
such
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 as presentation skill
anf
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and
team
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teamwork
show examples
work
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. These skills require
the
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apply
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practice with human interactions more than with
computers
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. In conclusion,
also
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 being familiar with
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computer
Add an article
a computer
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 allows
children
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 to study and
work
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 easier,
howerver
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however
,
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time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
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and
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apply
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activies
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activities
 on
computer
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 needs to be limited and supervised in order to protect their
eye
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vision
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as well as
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 ensure their
performance
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 at school.

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Task Achievement
For Task Achievement, ensure that you fully address all parts of the task prompt. Your essay tends to focus more on the negative aspects of computer usage and does not sufficiently cover how computer skills could potentially be beneficial to children's education and future career, which is essential for a balanced argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, you need to improve the logical sequencing of your ideas. Try using clearer topic sentences and cohesive devices to help your reader understand the connections between your points and how they relate to the overall topic.
Task Achievement
It's important to provide specific examples that are directly relevant to your argument. In your current essay, the examples lack depth and detail. To enhance your essay, aim to include more developed examples that are pertinent to the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay should be structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. While an introduction and conclusion are present, they could be more clearly defined and should better encapsulate the main points made in the essay. Work on creating strong opening and closing statements that clearly express your stance and summarize your arguments.
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