Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers – playing games, chatting and watching videos. But all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours working on computers throughout their education ad their working lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Nowadays,
children
are living in technology
Correct article usage
a technology
centery
where they are surrounded by Correct your spelling
century
computers
and their applications. Hence
, children
have spent more time
on computers
than in the past. While
some people would agree with
playing games, chatting and watching videos on Change preposition
that
computer
may benefit Add an article
a computer
the computer
for
them throughout their education and Change preposition
apply
work
lives, but
in my opinion, spending too much Correct word choice
apply
time
on computers
is not good for young kids eye
vision
and negatively impacts to
their Change preposition
apply
performance
at school.
Firstly
, spending a long time
on computer
will badly affect Correct article usage
a computer
to
Change preposition
apply
eye
Correct your spelling
the
vision
of children
from their
young Change the word
a
ages
. In fact, a lot of studies show that the light and Fix the agreement mistake
age
Correct article usage
apply
the
brightness Correct article usage
apply
Change preposition
of
from
Change preposition
of
computer
reduces human eye
Fix the agreement mistake
sight
sights
. Fix the agreement mistake
sight
Besides
that, experts also
recommend people who have to work
on computer
for a long Correct article usage
a computer
time
to have a few minutes break after every sixty minutes to protect their eyes. Once the eye
sights Correct your spelling
eyesight
get
affected by Verb problem
apply
computers
' lights, children
will have difficult
Add an article
a difficult
time
to read
and Change the verb form
reading
see
, they must stick with specs or undergo Wrong verb form
seeing
eye
surgery when they grow up. Therefore
, spending too much time
on computer
is harmful to Add an article
the computer
a computer
childen's
Correct your spelling
children's
eye
vision
.
Furthermore
, knowing being good with computers
is not the only skill to help children
to be successful in their studies and future work
lives. By contrast
, spending too much time
on computer
will negatively affect Fix the agreement mistake
computers
performance
of Add an article
the performance
children
at school. For instance
, children
cannot manage time
to finish their homeworks
if they spend most of the Correct your spelling
homework
time
with computers
for
playing games, chatting and watching videos, Change preposition
apply
as a result
, their study performance
will get
impacted. Verb problem
be
Also
, children
need to develop some other skills which are beneficial for their education and work
lives such
as presentation skill anf
Correct your spelling
and
team
Correct your spelling
teamwork
work
. These skills require the
practice with human interactions more than with Correct article usage
apply
computers
.
In conclusion, also
being familiar with computer
allows Add an article
a computer
children
to study and work
easier, howerver
, Correct your spelling
however
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
and
Correct word choice
apply
activies
on Correct your spelling
activities
computer
needs to be limited and supervised in order to protect their eye
vision
as well as
ensure their performance
at school.Submitted by thanhvan230688 on
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Task Achievement
For Task Achievement, ensure that you fully address all parts of the task prompt. Your essay tends to focus more on the negative aspects of computer usage and does not sufficiently cover how computer skills could potentially be beneficial to children's education and future career, which is essential for a balanced argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, you need to improve the logical sequencing of your ideas. Try using clearer topic sentences and cohesive devices to help your reader understand the connections between your points and how they relate to the overall topic.
Task Achievement
It's important to provide specific examples that are directly relevant to your argument. In your current essay, the examples lack depth and detail. To enhance your essay, aim to include more developed examples that are pertinent to the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay should be structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. While an introduction and conclusion are present, they could be more clearly defined and should better encapsulate the main points made in the essay. Work on creating strong opening and closing statements that clearly express your stance and summarize your arguments.
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