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Band 4

some parents, specially mothers stay at home instead working, and some people think that they should receive monetary compensation from the government. Do you agree or disagree.

#parents #mothers #home #people #compensation #government
It is true that the
government
 should be assisting their
people
, especially those who are not available to
be working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
due to
 some constraints or another.
However
, I believe that housewives are not one of those
people
.
This
 is because the decision for mothers to stay at home is not because of any external factors that force them to stay at their house, rather, it is their own family decision
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 determine the role of each
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 in the household. In a family  where the mother decides to stay at home and the father is the one working, the family's economy should be covered by the father as he is the one who is working and responsible for his family's wellbeing.
On the other hand
, if the
government
 were to give housewives incentive and monetary support, it would drastically change the way family member and their role is viewed.
This
 is because there is going to be an abundance of housewives and
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 lack of
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 in any job position.
This
 would
also
 make the fathers question their role in their family, as their
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and effort could just be reimbursed by the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 financial support. All and all, I don't think giving incentives to
housewive
Correct your spelling
housewives
show examples
 would be a good idea. It would only spark conflicts among parents as they would not feel that they are being treated fairly.
Moreover
, It would demotivate fathers from working as their family bills could be easily covered by the
government
.
Lastly
, the money used in the program could be used
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 other, more important, matters
such
 as poverty and homeless
people
.
Submitted by fadiljayaputra on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical flow of ideas by first introducing the topic with a clear thesis statement at the end of the introduction, then expanding your main points in separate body paragraphs, and finally wrapping up the discussion with a conclusion that summarizes your stance. Transition smoothly between these sections to maintain coherence.
task achievement
Work on providing more concrete examples to support your arguments. Although your point of view is clear, the lack of specific examples undermines the effectiveness of your essay. Use specific, relevant examples to substantiate your claims and strengthen your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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