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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some educators believe that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There are some educational authorities that believe that every
child
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 should learn how to play an instrument. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will discuss why I disagree with
this
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 notion and form a conclusion.
Firstly
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, the art of learning a new instrument requires dedication, hard work and
self discipline
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self-discipline
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. If these core values are instilled into the youth at a young age, they are more likely to carry
such
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 important traits into their adult lives.
Furthermore
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, the majority of occupations require hard work, determination and grit so, if a
child
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 already exhibits
such
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 traits he will be more likely to succeed in the world of work.
Secondly
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, many competitive fields,
such
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 as Medicine require additional accolades rather than just educational ones. If they have achieved a remarkable musical standard,
then
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 they are able to compete for the top jobs.
Moreover
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, they are able to stand out against their
competiton
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competition
 and set themselves apart from their peers.
On the other hand
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, the deliberate force yielded onto a
child
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 to learn an instrument, when they have no
such
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 interest, can manifest as feelings of loathing and
self contempt
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self-contempt
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. Often, if a young person is
co erced
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coerced
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 into a subject they don’t want to do, they will never try their best or feel enjoyment.
This
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 can later make
a
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apply
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youth feel inferior when they start performing badly in
such
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 a subject.
Additionally
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, there may be other avenues,
such
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 as sports that are of more interest to them.
However
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,
due to
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 the fact that they are learning a different skill, like
music
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music,
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 they will have no time for their physical pursuits.
This
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 will likely cause resentment. In conclusion, it is advisable that other avenues are explored than just music as
,
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apply
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this
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 can create negative feelings in a
child
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 and cause resentment to that field.

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Task Response
Ensure that your essay has a clear opinion throughout. Although you presented both sides of the argument, it is important to maintain your position consistently for a more compelling task response.
Task Response
Your essay lacked specific examples and data to support your arguments. Incorporate concrete examples or statistics to illustrate your points and increase the persuasiveness of your essay.
Task Response
Your introduction briefly stated the topic, but it could benefit from a stronger thesis statement that unequivocally presents your stance on the matter.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on essay coherence by using cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas and paragraphs together more seamlessly. This will make the essay easier to follow and understand.
Coherence and Cohesion
You approached both sides of the argument, which is good for balance but can create confusion if not structured properly. Devote one paragraph to each point of view and use clear topic sentences to signpost your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be sure to reiterate your main points and summarise your stance in your conclusion to effectively wrap up your essay and leave the reader with a clear understanding of your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • educators
  • taught
  • play a musical instrument
  • benefits
  • cognitive skills
  • academic performance
  • physical coordination
  • motor skills
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • express themselves
  • self-confidence
  • stress relief
  • relaxation
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • inclusivity
  • equal access
  • arts education
  • practical challenges
  • implementing
  • universal
  • balance
  • mandatory
  • academic subjects
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