IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think this can have negative effects on children and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #people #effects
Currently, there are a lot of
advertisements
 targeting
children
. People are debating whether
this
 is appropriate or not in terms of the social norms and values
own
Wrong verb form
owned
show examples
 by our society. Before I share my view
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 topic, let me briefly explain both perspectives first.
For those
Change preposition
Those
show examples
 who
are supporting
Wrong verb form
support
show examples
this
 situation,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
argue that companies have the right to make their products popular
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 everyone, including
children
.
This
 will help them to raise more profits and potentially give better services.
Moreover
,
this
 situation will
also
 create more job opportunities and improve the welfare of the people.
In addition
 to that, they
also
 believe that
children
 should learn to prioritize buying the things that are urgent in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
This
 will make them much smarter to handle their money later in life.
For instance
, if people can learn to manage their financial capability from their childhood,
then
 there is a high probability that they will grow up as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
very successful
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in the future since they can handle their money well.
However
, the opponents of
this
 topic say that it is not okay to have many
advertisements
 that can be easily seen and reached by
children
. The reason for
that is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
children
itself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
by nature cannot decide by themselves since their cognitive capabilities are not there yet.
For example
, a child can see
smoking
Correct article usage
a smoking
show examples
 advertisement in front of his/her home leading to a chance of sudden curiosity of that child to
also
 smoke.
This
 is dangerous
due to
 the toxic chemical nutrients contained in that product. If it is consumed by our
children
, the risk
beyond
Add a missing verb
is beyond
show examples
 our imagination.
Therefore
, I strongly argue that all
advertisements
 should be put in places that are only accessible to those who are already mature to avoid any risk of harming our
children
. Even though there is a potential to raise a lot of money if companies put their
advertisements
 in many places, they need to consider the negative impact that can be caused by that action.
This
 will
also
 increase the personal branding of the companies
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are being careful of the norms and principles held by society. To close my argument, let me remind you
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 an old saying "To raise a child, we need
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help from all villagers".
Submitted by ravialdyhidayat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon, with a coherent progression from one idea to the next. The use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas could be improved to enhance readability and flow.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the task, the writer's position could be stated more clearly in the introduction, and fully extended in the body paragraphs, ensuring that opinion is constant and evident throughout the essay. A wider range of cohesive devices and topic-specific vocabulary could be utilized for a more comprehensive response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Targeted advertising
  • Psychological development
  • Artificial needs
  • Unhealthy eating habits
  • Materialism
  • Consumerism
  • Parental responsibility
  • Critical thinking
  • Informative content
  • Economic implications
  • Revenue generation
  • Content creation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: