IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think this can have negative effects on children and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #people #effects
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Currently, there are a lot of
advertisements
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 targeting
children
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. People are debating whether
this
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 is appropriate or not in terms of the social norms and values
own
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owned
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 by our society. Before I share my view
about
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on
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this
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 topic, let me briefly explain both perspectives first.
For those
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Those
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 who
are supporting
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support
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this
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 situation,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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argue that companies have the right to make their products popular
to
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with
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 everyone, including
children
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.
This
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 will help them to raise more profits and potentially give better services.
Moreover
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,
this
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 situation will
also
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 create more job opportunities and improve the welfare of the people.
In addition
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 to that, they
also
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 believe that
children
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 should learn to prioritize buying the things that are urgent in their
life
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lives
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.
This
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 will make them much smarter to handle their money later in life.
For instance
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, if people can learn to manage their financial capability from their childhood,
then
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 there is a high probability that they will grow up as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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very successful
person
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people
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 in the future since they can handle their money well.
However
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, the opponents of
this
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 topic say that it is not okay to have many
advertisements
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 that can be easily seen and reached by
children
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. The reason for
that is
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because
Correct word choice
that
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children
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itself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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by nature cannot decide by themselves since their cognitive capabilities are not there yet.
For example
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, a child can see
smoking
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a smoking
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 advertisement in front of his/her home leading to a chance of sudden curiosity of that child to
also
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 smoke.
This
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 is dangerous
due to
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 the toxic chemical nutrients contained in that product. If it is consumed by our
children
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, the risk
beyond
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is beyond
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 our imagination.
Therefore
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, I strongly argue that all
advertisements
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 should be put in places that are only accessible to those who are already mature to avoid any risk of harming our
children
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. Even though there is a potential to raise a lot of money if companies put their
advertisements
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 in many places, they need to consider the negative impact that can be caused by that action.
This
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 will
also
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 increase the personal branding of the companies
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 are being careful of the norms and principles held by society. To close my argument, let me remind you
with
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of
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 an old saying "To raise a child, we need
the
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apply
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help from all villagers".
Submitted by ravialdyhidayat on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon, with a coherent progression from one idea to the next. The use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas could be improved to enhance readability and flow.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the task, the writer's position could be stated more clearly in the introduction, and fully extended in the body paragraphs, ensuring that opinion is constant and evident throughout the essay. A wider range of cohesive devices and topic-specific vocabulary could be utilized for a more comprehensive response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Targeted advertising
  • Psychological development
  • Artificial needs
  • Unhealthy eating habits
  • Materialism
  • Consumerism
  • Parental responsibility
  • Critical thinking
  • Informative content
  • Economic implications
  • Revenue generation
  • Content creation
What to do next:
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