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Band 4

The chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US

The chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US
The graph below shows the data of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 who have
heart
Use synonyms
 disease in America year by year.
Overall
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 have a higher
number
Use synonyms
 of that disease than
women
Use synonyms
. A closer look at the data gives information that people 65+ age are susceptive to
heart
Use synonyms
 attacks, so the age
group
Use synonyms
 has the highest
number
Use synonyms
 where
men
Use synonyms
 are 440
thousand
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 374
thousand
Use synonyms
. In the
group
Use synonyms
 of 45-64 year olds,
men
Use synonyms
 get 424
thousand
Use synonyms
 having more than 200
thousand
Use synonyms
 a difference with
women
Use synonyms
 with just 136
thousand
Use synonyms
. The age
group
Use synonyms
 that has the lowest
number
Use synonyms
 of
heart
Use synonyms
 diseases is 29-44.
Women
Use synonyms
 in the
group
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 just have 3
thousand
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 still have over 100
thousand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
heart
Use synonyms
 attacks
number
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, heart, number, group, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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