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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some cultures, children are told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough what are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Many parents in some cultures tell their
children
Use synonyms
 that they can reach anything if they put in enough effort.
While
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this
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 approach of encouraging
children
Use synonyms
 may be beneficial it
also
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 can have some drawbacks.
To begin
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 with, Parents may use words of affirmation in an incorrect way with their
children
Use synonyms
 and that can have consequences.
For example
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, a child who wants to be a doctor but does not have the academic qualifications for the job may ignore that he can be a better fit in another profession just because he believes he can reach whatever he wants.
This
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 will lead to his frustration later on and maybe even regret because he would have used his time and effort working on something
that is
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 more convenient for him.
On the other hand
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, we should not underestimate the power of a believing parent. To illustrate, mothers and fathers who motivate their kids with
this
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 concept can actually inspire them to live up to their potential.
That is
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 because they will boost their self-confidence
as well as
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 their mental well-being.
Therefore
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, a child who trusts his own abilities and believes in himself can grow up with the mindset
that is
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 required for his dream job. In conclusion, adults’ encouraging words can have a great influence on their kids
however
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, they can cause detrimental effects on their lives if they use them incorrectly. In spite of the fact that many
children
Use synonyms
 can reach their goals with
this
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 approach of thinking, others may get their feelings crushed when the opposite happens.

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Task Response
Your introduction provides a reasonable setup for the essay, but it is essential to provide a clearer thesis statement that precisely outlines the advantages and disadvantages you will discuss.
Task Response
The main points in your body paragraphs need further development. Make sure to elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages by providing more detailed examples and explanations to better support your arguments.
Task Response
You have provided one example for each the advantage and disadvantage; consider incorporating more varied and specific examples to strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introductory sentence and a conclusion, which is good. It would be beneficial, however, to make your conclusion more impactful by summarizing the main points more succinctly and presenting a final, considerate opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay shows an attempt at logical organization. However, improved paragraph structure with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more sequenced development of ideas within the paragraphs will enhance coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices and transitions to show the relationship between ideas more clearly. This includes contrasting phrases for discussing advantages and disadvantages, as well as cohesive ties that help the reader follow your argument more easily.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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