IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think this can have negative effects on children and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the era modern age, a significant portion of advertising is aimed at youngsters. Some individuals think
this
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 can have a detrimental impact on juveniles and should be restricted.
However
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, the essay describes what is the
reason
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 behind
this
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 and I would inclined to agree with the statement. To commence with, most of the companies create their products on the basis of young's attraction.
For
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this
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reason
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, they always try to capture juveniles and earn an affluent numbers profit.
For example
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, During the
last
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 Football World Cup, Amazon's online shop offered and advertised football jerseys for the younger with lucrative discounts.
As a result
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, they earn a good profit and young people spend their finances on less important purposes.
In addition
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, Some company's announcements of naked scenes or porn sites are openly published on social media which directly influences children.
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According to
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For
show examples
this
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reason
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, many young are more enthusiastic about these harmful habits and deviate from their basic study. After effects, there are no alternative options to reduce
this
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 bad practice from the next generation without banning these ads.
On the other hand
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, the advertisement of online games plays a crucial role in distracting students.
Due to
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this
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reason
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, they want to spend their time most valuable moments playing online games without any breaks. To give an example, from the statistics of UK experts, more than 60% of young children face severe mental disorders and social bindings because of their involvement in indoor computer games where most portion are encouraged by social ads.
Besides
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, some youngsters are often engaged in some detrimental tasks to earn money from companies where they have to put down bad videos or pictures. Because of
this
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 fact, some young life is so vulnerable to leading their life in a negative way.
To conclude
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, there are many negative outputs
due to
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 the facts of unfavourable advertisements. Indeed, a large number of young children face a vulnerable stage to continue their lives in
such
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 a developmental way. After all, the authorities should take a step to monitor or restrict bad advertisements from the students.

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task achievement
Ensure you directly address the prompt throughout the essay to maintain relevance to the question asked. While you have provided a stance on the issue, reinforcing the extent of your agreement with specific reasons would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Provide a clear introduction that outlines your main points to be discussed. In the body paragraphs, focus on developing each point fully before moving to the next. Clear transitions between paragraphs will improve the essay's logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraph structures to highlight the relationship between ideas. This will aid in creating a more cohesive argument throughout your essay.
task achievement
Present concrete examples to support your viewpoints; anecdotal or hypothetical ones can enhance the strength of your arguments and demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Targeted advertising
  • Psychological development
  • Artificial needs
  • Unhealthy eating habits
  • Materialism
  • Consumerism
  • Parental responsibility
  • Critical thinking
  • Informative content
  • Economic implications
  • Revenue generation
  • Content creation
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