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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have a greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #women #parents #men #role #children #societies
It is thought by some people that
women
 have a relatively better parenting style compared to
men
 and for that reason, raising
children
 in many cultures is mainly given to
women
 for the dominant part.
However
, some others argue that
men
 are just as competent as
women
 in
this
 matter.
This
 essay agrees that
women
 take
care
 of their offspring better
while
 partially agreeing that
men
 are just as capable. On the one hand, many think that ladies are one step ahead at parenting and educating owing to the maternal nature
that is
 inherently laid within their psyche.
This
also
 intersects with gender roles in traditional households
that
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 ladies' presence in the family is to take
care
 of the
children
, husband and house only,
while
 guys are the providers who work outside to make ends meet.
Moreover
,
this
 matter is
also
 proven in the case of single parents from both divorces and deaths. A clear example from Indonesia is of the 67 million heads of households, 14,8% are single mothers and only 4% are single fathers. On the other side, it cannot be denied that guys could take
care
 of their
children
 to some extent that does not involve biological duties like breastfeeding.
However
, guys are often considered as not as competent as ladies with major cases where divorced
men
 or those whose wives pass away, are getting married shortly afterwards and the reasons are mainly to find partners to take
care
 of their
children
 or households.
Thus
, most of the time guys’ capability in parenthood, independently,
in particular
, depends on themselves. To wrap things up,
women
 may have a greater role in parenting
due to
 their nature and doctrine of conventional gender roles in families.
Nevertheless
,
men
 are as competent as
women
 despite biological duties depending on the individuals themselves, whether they want to commit to taking
care
 of their
children
 or not.
Submitted by 2024successielts on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Although your essay contains a logical structure, it would be beneficial to further develop your arguments in a more balanced manner, reflecting more deeply on each perspective. Your paragraphs indicate an understanding of the logical flow, but using a range of cohesive devices and varied paragraph structures would enhance the essay's readability and strength of argumentation.
Task Achievement
You addressed the task and provided your opinion, however, the response could be improved by offering a more nuanced discussion and evaluating both views thoroughly. Ensuring that your ideas are fully developed, supported by detailed examples, and clearly elaborated will contribute to a higher task achievement score. Additionally, focus on providing specific, relevant examples to fortify your arguments and reflect a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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