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Band 3.5

In modern society, it is possible to go shopping, work, and accommodate via the Internet without face-to-face contact with one another. To what extent do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#society #work #internet #contact #development
Nowadays living in modern society, the
Internet
 is our best tool. I think
this
 new thing for people is a positive development because it has a
lot
 of advantages.
Firstly
, using the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
instead
 of going somewhere saves you a
lot
 of time.
For example
, just think, how much time do we spend just to go anywhere? Using the
internet
, you don’t need to leave home and all your matters you can do in one sitting.
As a result
, we don’t care about insignificant things
such
 as weather or bus schedules.
Secondly
, using the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 is more convenient.
For instance
, you decided to go shopping via the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
instead
 of going to different shops. In the virtual store, everything is in one place, so it is easier to search for something. In consequence, you become more productive.
However
, it has a negative impact, when we talk about our mental health and communication. Accommodating via the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 without face-to-face contact with one another, in most cases, is not good for us. We easily miss
real
Add an article
the real
a real
show examples
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 with people.
As a result
, later it causes a
lot
 of problems in your life. In conclusion, I believe that new technology can change our habits and step by step we will get used to it. Because using the
internet
 is more convenient and it saves a
lot
 of time. Anyway, I’d rather choose to go shopping face to face, because I like to see and touch the product before buying it.
Submitted by oimigle on

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introduction and conclusion
Ensure your introduction sets the context of the topic and presents a clear thesis statement. Your conclusion should restate your main points and thesis, clearly summarizing your argument.
logical structure and connectors
The essay lacks a clear progression of ideas and the paragraphs could benefit from better connecting phrases that enhance the flow of ideas. This can make the text more cohesive.
Support for main points
While your main points are relevant, they need more development and stronger support. Concrete examples and specific details can strengthen your argument.
Task completion
Your response addresses the task and provides a position, but it's necessary to develop your points further, offering a more nuanced discussion on both sides of the argument.
Development of ideas
Provide clearer and more comprehensive development of ideas to strengthen your argument. This will make your position more convincing.
Use of examples
Include more specific and relevant examples to illustrate your points. These should be detailed and accurately support your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • online shopping
  • remote work
  • virtual meetings
  • contactless transactions
  • convenience
  • accessibility
  • efficiency
  • time-saving
  • globalization
  • cultural exchange
  • social interaction
  • fraud
  • misuse
  • dependency
  • technology
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