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Writing Samples /
Band 1

Some people believe that it is good to share as uch information as possible in scientific research, business and academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #uch #information #research #business #world
There is no doubt that scientific research should be
advancement
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 for the business and academic world.
While
 some people believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 should be shared
free
Replace the word
freely
show examples
 to
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 business and
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
, others argue that
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
some vital
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 should be restricted to
share
Wrong verb form
shared
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 freely. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both views and explain my support for the former view. The people who believe the latter view argue that the scientific researches are results of
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 hardwork scientific community and they should be paid for the information. The
reaseach
Correct your spelling
research
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
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enumerous
Correct your spelling
enormous
 funding and years
long
Correct word choice
year-long
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 process,
therefore
, free sharing of information might
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 the commitment of the scientists.
For example
, the discovery of new vaccines
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
immense
Correct article usage
an immense
show examples
 amount and the free sharing
Change preposition
of informations
show examples
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 will
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 the financial stability of the organisations
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
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.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they will not be financially capable
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
further
 research.
Submitted by ck.manshad on

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task achievement
You have attempted to present both views on the topic of information sharing in research and business, yet your essay lacks a clear conclusion that summarises the discussion and clearly states your own opinion. Including a conclusion can significantly improve your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Your essay does present a logical progression of ideas; however, the coherence could be greatly improved by better organizing your thoughts into clear paragraphs and using a wider range of cohesive devices. Remember that paragraphs should have one central idea each, and transitions need to clearly connect your ideas.
task achievement
While you provided an example (discovery of vaccines), it was not fully developed. To improve your score, make sure to elaborate on your examples and clearly link them to your main argument. Concrete and relevant examples contribute significantly to a higher score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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