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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the acdemic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.

#people #information #research #business #acdemic #world
Nowadays there is an ongoing debate about whether the
data
 on scientific scrutiny, business and the world should be accessible
for
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to
show examples
 everyone or
some
Correct word choice
whether some
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 sensitive
information
 should be kept hidden. In my view, despite the fact that some
data
 is too valuable to be shared with everyone,
information
 should be free and available to everyone. Full accessibility of
information
 carries a number of significant roles.
First,
it leads to the generation of alternative sources for education. Since the world develops day by day well-educated people who have sufficient knowledge
on
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of
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 modern concepts are in demand.
Furthermore
, being aware of current trends may cause the formation of new co-operations aimed at the salvation of global problems. If companies or research laboratories have the
data
of
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apply
show examples
findings of other facilities, there is a high probability for them to join forces to solve worldwide issues,
such
 as inflation, global warming and even life-threatening diseases. Despite the above-mentioned points, some
information
 is too sensitive or crucial to be publicly declared. One reason is elevated rates of competition, not only in business or economic areas
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
 in the scientific and academic world. Having access to other companies' advancements, competitors may use
this
information
 to prevail over others in the global arena.
In addition
, in malicious hands sensitive
information
 can be used for hazardous intentions. Facilities may be the target of jeopardy and may even be
canceled
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cancelled
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. In conclusion,
although
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apply
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publishing all available
data
 regarding academic, business and research advancements may result in threatening consequences. the accessibility of
information
 for all people is the key
for
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to
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 global development.
Submitted by qoncaagazade03 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay maintains a clear position throughout the response. While your argument is generally clear, some parts might benefit from more explicit statements regarding your stance to avoid ambiguity.
task achievement
Aim to include more specific and detailed examples to back up your arguments. This strengthens the supporting points and demonstrates a higher level of task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph has a central topic and that the information flows from one idea to the next seamlessly. Effective use of linking words can assist in achieving this.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and generally effective. However, consider refining your thesis statement in the introduction and ensuring that the conclusion decisively summarizes your position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but for a higher score, expand on your ideas with further explanation and depth. This is crucial for demonstrating an understanding of the complexity of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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