IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Despite the growing number of gyms and fitness centres, more and more people are leading a sedentary lifestyle in the modern society. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest

#gyms #fitness #centres #people #lifestyle #society
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
, many
fitness related
Add a hyphen
fitness-related
show examples
 infrastructure facilities are available in modern cities,
people
 become more and more inactive
due to
 their busy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
.
This
 essay discusses that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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this
 has become a pressing issue as it creates many adverse impacts on
people
's well-being.
However
, the government and the private sector interventions to increase public awareness
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 regard may help to solve the problem. On the one hand ,
people
 become inactive
due to
 their busy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 and it negatively affects
on
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apply
show examples
people
's mental and physical health. Excessive sitting , not
involving
Wrong verb form
being involved
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 in physically demanding activities and not having
balanced
Correct article usage
a balanced
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 diet may lead
people
 to suffer from physical and mental illnesses like diabetes, high blood pressure , anxiety , depression
and
Correct word choice
apply
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, etc.
For example
, many individuals who sit nearly 10 or more hours a day for work for prolonged time without having proper
exercises
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exercise
show examples
 or healthy meals have a high tendency to
be suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
 from mental or physical illnesses in future.
On the other hand
, these problems can
overcome
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be overcome
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 by raising awareness campaigns by the government sector. Organizing local workshops to educate
people
 about the adverse effects of
inactive
Correct article usage
an inactive
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 will help
people
 to educate themselves and to take necessary
mesures
Correct your spelling
measures
.Private organizations can
also
 introduce
programms
Correct your spelling
programmes
programs
 to increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employee well-being and
also
 can provide incentives for workers who
actively
Add a missing verb
are actively
show examples
 engaged in those
programms
Correct your spelling
programmes
programs
.
For instance
, some companies run morning and afternoon exercise sessions before and after every work
shifts
Correct subject-verb agreement
shift
show examples
for
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apply
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free of charge to encourage their employees to stay fit. In
concluion
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conclusion
, many individuals
of
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in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society have become inactive and vulnerable
for
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to
show examples
 many illnesses.
This
 problem can be
controled
Correct your spelling
controlled
 by raising the awareness of
people
 about the negative impacts of unhealthy living
while
 organizing
programms
Correct your spelling
programmes
programs
 in companies to increase
people
's participation in physical exercises.
Submitted by nir.paba6 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear overall progression in the essay. Although paragraphs are used, the logical sequencing of ideas can be improved. Consider planning the essay with clear topic sentences for each paragraph that link back to the main question.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the introduction and conclusion are present and effectively place the essay in context and summarize the main points. The introduction could be developed further to present a clear overview of your perspective on the topic, and the conclusion should succinctly encapsulate the discussions and restate the writer's viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each main point is elaborated with sufficient detail and examples. While you have provided some general statements, the essay would benefit from more specific examples and deeper exploration of each point to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task to receive a higher score. The essay partially fulfills the requirements, but it should provide a more comprehensive exploration of the problems associated with a sedentary lifestyle, along with more detailed and varied solutions.
task achievement
Strive for clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the essay. Aim to elaborate points fully, ensuring that the essay answers the question in a detailed and nuanced way. Expanding on your ideas with further explanation will aid in achieving clarity and depth.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your ideas. This will enhance the essay by showing a deeper understanding of the topic and demonstrating your ability to apply your ideas to real-world scenarios. Be sure that examples are directly related to the key points you are discussing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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