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Band 4.5

An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why are more people choosing to have an operation to change the way they look? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #surgery #appearance #operation #change #development
Cosmetic
surgeries
 have become quite popular in recent years, as a vast number of
people
 are undergoing these
surgeries
 in order to improve the way they look. Individuals who are choosing
surgeries
 are mostly
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they want to appear flawless. It's worth mentioning that the advancements in medical technology have made the procedures painless and safer. So,
besides
 that there might be minor mistakes during the operation by a surgeon,
I
Correct word choice
but I
show examples
completely believe that it has a positive impact on
people
.
To begin
 with, nowadays society pays a lot of attention to their look and citizens, especially girls who care more about their appearance, are more likely to opt for cosmetic surgery to address their facial problems. Saying thoroughly,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
gives them a great opportunity to fix something on their appearance if they are not satisfied with it.
Moreover
,
people
 can be bullied for their appearance as well, which might lead to mental health problems
such
 as depression or anxiety.
Thus
,
for avoiding
Change preposition
to avoid
show examples
this
 situation society is
undertake
Change the form of the verb
undertaking
show examples
 various
surgeries
 to cope with the issue. Another advantage of having an operation is that there can be accidents
such
 as car crashes where passengers can injure their
face
Fix the agreement mistake
faces
show examples
 and body parts. So, with the help of surgical
equipment
Add a comma
equipment,
show examples
 they recover their initial look.
For instance
, our neighbor injured his almost whole face during the war and thanks to cosmetic surgery, he could maintain his initial look.
On the other hand
, the operations might have bad effects on the public.
Firsty
Correct your spelling
First
,
people
 having
overoperations
Correct your spelling
over operations
over-operations
 might have
unnatural
Correct article usage
an unnatural
show examples
 look.
Somethimes
Correct your spelling
Sometimes
people
 expect that many cosmetic
surgeries
 will have
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
 influence on their face
as well as
 on their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
.
As a result
, they get addicted to operations which definitely might generate diverse health diseases
such
 as cancer. Taking everything into account, both cosmetic
surgeries
 have their pros
as well as
 cons.Regardless
օf
Correct your spelling
of
 some drawbacks that operations can generate,
people
 will just benefit from having cosmetic
surgeries
.
Submitted by alex.martirosyan201206 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay structure requires better organization, with a distinct introduction, body, and conclusion. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main point and that transitions between ideas are smoother for clarity.
coherence cohesion
A more effective conclusion that summarizes the arguments presented and offers a final, thoughtful insight on the topic will strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Provide clear topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure that each paragraph expands on that central idea with well-supported arguments.
task achievement
To fully address the task, it is important to discuss both sides of the argument comprehensively. Ensure you cover why more people are opting for cosmetic surgery and discuss in depth whether this trend is positive or negative.
task achievement
Introduce clear, comprehensive ideas by defining key terms and providing context for your arguments. Avoid overgeneralizations and ensure explanations are thorough.
task achievement
Utilize relevant, specific examples to illustrate your points. The examples should be relevant to the question prompt and help in strengthening your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Idealized beauty standards
  • Cosmetic surgery
  • Advancements in medical technology
  • Socially acceptable
  • Self-improvement
  • Psychological well-being
  • Competitive workforce
  • Youthful appearance
  • Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)
  • Physical appearance
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