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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The cultures of many countries around the world becomes more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative?

#cultures #countries #world #trend
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The majority of cultures are becoming alike throughout the world. There are several reasons for
this
. In
this
 essay I will explain why cheap air travel, and developing tourism are the reasons for
this
 trend and, in my opinion, it is a positive trend because it promotes a peaceful multicultural environment.
Firstly
, inexpensive flights make it easy for
people
 to travel to other countries as they can afford them. In
such
 a way,
people
 will explore new traditions and exchange their customs with the locals.
Moreover
, not only will they expand their knowledge about other cultures, but
also
 spread it to their cultural groups. The public shares each other's beliefs, and thereby, adapts these.
For instance
, since Air India became pocket-friendly, more foreigners are visiting
Golden
Correct article usage
the Golden
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 Temple Amritsar on Diwali.
Additionally
, these
people
 started celebrating Diwali in their nations as well.
Secondly
, governments of many states are spending a plethora of money on
tourist
 places to attract more visitors from overseas.In fact, they are introducing vacation packages at discounts, and advertise them internationally.
Furthermore
, these
tourist
 attractions represent a country's culture and influence foreign visitors.
For example
, The Indian government has spent millions of rupees on The Jaipur Museum as it is one of the largest
tourist
destination
Change to a plural noun
destinations
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 in India which displays Indian jewellery.
Therefore
, Indian jewellery has been introduced
in
Change preposition
to
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 American trend.
Finally
, it is a great development which leads to good things as it promotes multicultural surroundings. By sharing each other's cultural heritage,
people
 develop good understanding
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and live peacefully together. In conclusion, cultural similarities are occurring in many nations because of air flights of reasonable prices, and the development of
tourist
 areas, and it leads to a positive development as it encourages peace and understanding in humans living in diverse
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
show examples
.
Submitted by sran2000amandeep on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure the introduction sets the tone for the essay with a clear thesis statement outlining the discussion to follow. While present, the introduction could be sharper in focus.
logical structure
The essay requires a more varied structure in terms of paragraphing and linking. Cohesion can be improved by better use of linking words and phrases that show relationships between ideas.
supported main points
Main points need to be expanded upon with more elaborate supporting information. This may include more detailed examples, explanations, and analyses.
complete response
The response addresses the task, but there are opportunities for deeper exploration of the ideas presented to provide a more complete and thorough discussion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ideas were conveyed clearly; however, exploring these ideas in greater detail and complexity would improve the comprehensiveness of the response.
relevant specific examples
While examples were used to support the points made, they could be more detailed and specific to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the issues at hand.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Globalization
  • Cultural exchange
  • Homogenous
  • Cultural convergence
  • Multinational corporations
  • Cultural diversity
  • Cultural homogenization
  • Cultural richness
  • Cultural identities
  • Preserving
  • Erosion
  • Dominance
  • Technological advancements
  • Consumer culture
  • International understanding
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