Some people believe that professional workers such as doctors and teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is frequently claimed that athletes and entertaining stars are overpaid compared to those working in other professional areas.
However
, my stance differs from this
viewpoint, for other careers have been deliberately overlooked and economically undervalued.
Some may insist that the high salary of sports and arts professionals is justified since it reflects the public popularity. In other words
, audiences are willing to pay for what they enjoy watching in sports events and on televisions
, and Fix the agreement mistake
television
such
choices are deemed sensible. In fact, however
, we should bear in mind that viewers are actually made to pay for what they are selectively shown and overly exposed to under the influence from
commercial organizations and the media. TV and streaming media are flooded with shows and advertisements which are funded by companies, grasping most of the public attention and in turn diminishing the social spotlight on the other significant occupations. Change preposition
of
Hence
, it is difficult to ascertain that members in highly-focused
fields have earned their fortune Correct your spelling
highly focused
due to
mass preference.
We need to be aware that other jobs which shoulder huge responsibilities and make substantial contributions have long been devalued financially. Leading politicians make crucial policies to maintain social stability, top surgeons heal the wounded and rescue the dying, researchers and scientists push ahead innovative strides of our nations, and dedicated educators cultivate the next generation and prepare them as qualified social members. Those careers serve as more profound drivers for the advancement of our country and Correct article usage
the well-beings
well-beings
of the public, and Correct your spelling
well-being
thus
deserve a higher payment.
In conclusion, I completely believe that significant professions which are vital to social progress ought to earn more than those in sports and entertainment areas.Submitted by zhaoruolin220 on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrated a reasonable progression of ideas but could benefit from clearer and more frequent paragraphing to enhance readability. Aim to organize your ideas into distinct paragraphs, each with a clear central theme.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, they could be strengthened. The introduction should more explicitly state your thesis, and the conclusion could be more decisive, summarizing your argument cohesively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points were supported, but you should aim for more precise and relevant examples to tangibly illustrate your arguments. Gather specific evidence to substantiate your claims, which could significantly improve the impact of your writing.
task achievement
Your response was complete, but you need to address the task more directly. Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph consistently supports your perspective without deviation.
task achievement
You presented clear ideas, but strive for a more detailed and structured approach. Develop your argument with a balance of explanation and example, ensuring each point directly supports your overall opinion on the issue.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples in your essay was somewhat limited. Including more specific illustrations will provide stronger support for your arguments and a clearer demonstration of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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