IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #technology
In today’s digital era, the influence of
technology
 on individuals’ social
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 is a subject of constant debate. Some argue that using devices could negatively affect
people
Change noun form
people's
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 social skills,
while
 others endorse modern
technology
 as a tool to make
people
 more sociable.
This
 task will discuss both perspectives and give my own opinion. On the one hand, proponents of statements that hi-tech might negatively affect
people
, argue that it makes them more isolated and less social in a modern world. In fact,
that
Correct word choice
apply
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nowadays using phones, computers, and other devices is essential for
person’s
Correct article usage
a person’s
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life
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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.
However
,
people
whose
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 spend too much time on the phone,
by
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apply
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using social media or doing other activities, could
seems
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seem
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 unsociable and
share
Verb problem
spend
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 less time with
people’s
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people
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around
Correct pronoun usage
around them
show examples
.
For example
, teenagers, after classes, prefer
spend
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to spend
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 time
in
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on
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 social media by scrolling through a social media feed or playing video games,
whereas
 parents
looking
Wrong verb form
look
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 forward child’s attention.
As a result
,
people
 might complain that digital tools could be a root cause of
destructed
Verb problem
destroyed
show examples
 relationship connections and feel isolated.
On the other hand
, there are a lot of individuals
whose
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 endorse modern
technology
. They believe that using hi-tech could enhance
people
’s soft skills
such
 as communication, negotiations, and relationship building.
For instance
, the Internet
provide
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provides
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opportunity
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
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 to speak with
people
 anytime, anywhere, and with anyone. So,
people
 could practice and build relationships even if they do not see each
other in
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other's
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face
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faces
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.
Consequently
, modern
technology
 provides huge opportunities to build a distributive network, continue
long distance
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long-distance
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relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 and many other ways to level up social
life
. Even though
people
continue
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continue to
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 argue about how
technology
affect
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affects
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their social
life
, I believe that digital technologies are definitely beneficial for improving soft skills, which are so important in a competitive world.
Because
Correct word choice
This
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this
 opens positively enormous number of opportunities for
build
Change the form of the verb
building
show examples
 up networks and social links.
Submitted by anastasia.patalashko on

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task achievement
Your essay does respond to the prompt, but the depth of the response could be improved by further expanding on the ideas presented. Make sure each paragraph presents a single, clear idea, fully explained and supported by specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay could be improved. Linking words are used, yet the progression of ideas within paragraphs and across the essay can be made more logical. Make sure to refer back to the main topic or question to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the conclusion could be developed further to more comprehensively summarize the points made within the essay and to offer a stronger restatement of your position.
coherence cohesion
Support for the main points is adequate, but further illustrative examples that are directly relevant to the given topic could be added to strengthen the argumentation and offer a more nuanced discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • online marketplaces
  • mobile payment options
  • personalized advertising
  • accessibility
  • compare prices
  • decision fatigue
  • impulse buying
  • financial imprudence
  • privacy and data security
  • transformed
  • streamlined
  • user-friendly
What to do next:
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