Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages

It is argued that

music

is a tool to unite

people

across generations and

cultures

. I agree with that statement because we can learn traditions and

connecting

Wrong verb form

connect

show examples

youth, adults, and

olds

Correct your spelling

old

show examples

people

through a

song

. In

this

modern era, learning and understanding

music

all around the world is an easy way. Through online streaming

music

, we can listen to

music

in different

genre

Fix the agreement mistake

genres

show examples

across

ages

and

cultures

, and it can be a good platform to

knowing

Wrong verb form

know

show examples

over

Change preposition

about

show examples

cultural diversity.

For example

, many Indonesian

people

, especially

young

Correct article usage

the young

show examples

generation, love Korean Pop (K-POP)

song

Fix the agreement mistake

songs

show examples

This

phenomenon encourages

young

Add an article

the young

show examples

generation to not only enjoy the

music

but

also

learn

Korean

Change the article

the Korean

show examples

language.

Additionally

people

who very excited

with

Change preposition

about

show examples

the

song

are generally love to know better Korean food, traditional clothes that usually

wear

Wrong verb form

worn

show examples

by the singers, and all of

things

Add an article

the things

show examples

related to the

music

Hence

, through

Remove the article

music

a piece of music

show examples

music

people

can have a good

understand

Change the form of the verb

understanding

show examples

other

Change preposition

of other

show examples

cultures

Additionally

music

plays

crucial

Correct article usage

a crucial

show examples

way

to connect

Change preposition

in connecting

show examples

people

across the

ages

. There are several

musics

Fix the agreement mistake

types of music

show examples

that no matter how old you are, the

music

is still relevant over the

ages

For example

national

Correct article usage

the national

show examples

anthem

song

that

relate

Change the verb form

relates

show examples

to all

Change preposition

apply

show examples

ages

This

type of

music

is not only connecting across

generation

Fix the agreement mistake

generations

show examples

but

also

as a common ground and as an identity for

people

, especially

people

who live far away from their home countries. National

music

also

teach

Change the verb form

teaches

show examples

all generations about the history of every nation.

Therefore

music

is becoming a great way to

interacts

Wrong verb form

interact

show examples

with all

over

Change preposition

apply

show examples

ages

. In summary,

music

can unite

people

across generations and traditions.

This

kind of

arts

Fix the agreement mistake

art

show examples

encourages

people

to respect diversity and to keep

connect

Wrong verb form

connected

show examples

across

ages

and

cultures

Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on Wed Dec 20 2023

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task achievement

Ensure you provide a more detailed conclusion. While you have summarized your points, reinforcing the essay's arguments with a brief recap would enhance task achievement.

coherence cohesion

Focus on maintaining coherence by linking ideas more clearly. While the points made are logical, smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas could be improved.

coherence cohesion

Consider revising sentence structures for clarity and grammatical accuracy. Some sentences are slightly awkward due to minor grammatical issues, which could distract the reader.

task achievement

The essay's introduction effectively states your opinion and establishes the main reasons supporting your view.

task achievement

You used relevant cultural examples, such as the influence of K-Pop, which adds depth to your essay.

task achievement

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of music's role in cultural and generational connection, which aligns well with the prompt.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

firstly
secondly
thirdly
in additional
moreover
also
for example
for instance
therefore
however
although
even though
despite

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
27Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

277 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

universal language
evoke
connect
diverse audiences
cultural exchange
generational gaps
shared experiences
unifying force

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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

In some cultures children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of gives children this message?

People now have the freedom to work and live anywhere in the world due to the development of communication technology and transportation. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?