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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, stress-related illnesses are becoming increasily common. What do you think is the cause of this? What solution can you suggest?

#illnesses
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Stress-related sickness is one of
serious
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the serious
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 problems that humankind is facing these days, with a concerning increase in reported cases. There are two primary causes, and some solutions should be proposed to address
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 pressing issues.
To begin
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 with, there are several contributing causes to
this
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 phenomenon. Perhaps the most crucial cause is the perpetuated toxic productivity culture.
In other words
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, people nowadays glorify hustle and overwork as their daily habits, and they correlate them with success. Another possible cause is the view of mental
health
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issue
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issues
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that is
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 trivialized because it is always associated with weak faith.
Therefore
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, people often deny their stress level, causing more burnout effects that adversely impact their physical performance. To address the problems, some measures should be taken.
Firstly
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, the proliferation of mental
health
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campaign
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campaigns
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 should be increased, specifically within critical institutions
such
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 as schools and companies. We need to create new environments that promote the spirit of work-life balance.
Furthermore
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, people become more aware of the right time to take a break, leading to positive rebound effects on
overall
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 productivity efficiency.
In addition
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, the government should come forward to ensure that
health
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 insurance is not only provided for physical-related sickness
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 the mental
health
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 issues.
This
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 can be a progressive action to gain awareness about stress and burnout by institutionalized them into
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health
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the health
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 system.
To conclude
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, stress-related illness has been a serious problem today. The root of
this
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 issue includes
toxic
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a toxic
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 productivity culture and the negative stigma of mental
health
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 issues.
This
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 problem can be solved through the combined efforts of the schools, companies, and government.
Submitted by floriehendr on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a recognizable structure with paragraphs, but the logical flow of ideas could be improved. Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs and ensure that each subsequent sentence supports the main topic coherently.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be developed further to effectively set up the essay's topic and summarize the main points at the end. Introductions should provide more background and clearly state the essay's purpose.
coherence cohesion
You have provided main points, but they require further development and support. Use specific details, data, or examples to substantiate your ideas. Avoid making broad statements without backing them up.
task achievement
Although the essay addresses the task, it only partially fulfills the requirements by discussing the causes and solutions for stress-related illnesses. Expand on these ideas, making sure you cover all aspects of the question.
task achievement
The ideas presented are relevant, but they need to be explained and developed more comprehensively. Ensure that each paragraph contains a single, clear idea that is well-explained and not too general.
task achievement
Specific examples are largely absent or too general, weakening the overall essay. Use clear and detailed examples to strengthen your arguments and show a deeper understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • stress-related illnesses
  • hypertension
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • modern lifestyle
  • work pressure
  • technological advancements
  • social pressures
  • material wealth
  • work-life balance
  • mindfulness
  • meditation
  • stress management
  • flexible working hours
  • telecommuting
  • mandatory vacation
  • educational programs
  • mental health
  • supportive work environment
  • counseling services
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