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Writing Samples
Band 7

More people shop, work and communicate via the internet instead of face-to-face communication. Is it positive or negative?

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There is an increasing number of
people
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 shopping and reaching through the
internet
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 rather than in person.
This
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 essay will explore both perspectives that present the development of benefits and drawbacks, and offer a balanced viewpoint. In today's digital age, the prevalence of the
internet
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 has rapidly risen. It is widely agreed that
this
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 invention greatly promotes
people
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's lives. One of the most significant impacts is that nowadays
people
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 can nearly achieve everything online. Sometimes
people
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 have to drive a couple of hours to reach other cities so that they can meet their family,
while
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internet
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 applications like Facetime can efficiently address
this
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 time-consuming problem.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 kind of technology can
also
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 allow the general public to purchase household necessities without visiting physical shops. In
this
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 way,
people
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 are able to sit at home and wait for the delivery, which saves plenty of effort to commute.
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 negative effects that the population relies on the
internet
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.
For example
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, today's
people
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 become accustomed to storing their private information online, and
this
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behavior
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behaviour
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 can cause adverse repercussions. With the widespread availability of the
internet
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, there are always various bugs in the servers of online malls, and
thus
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 hackers can use them to steal your cyber assets.
Moreover
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, it is undeniable that most technologies need electricity. If
people
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 put too much weight on the
internet
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, the power off can be a tremendous disaster. In conclusion, it is evident that the
internet
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 is a considerable helper, but relying on it could result in several disadvantages. From my perspective, it is essential for the populace to strike a delicate balance between its usage.

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Coherence Cohesion
To improve your score in coherence and cohesion, consider adding more cohesive devices to clearly connect ideas and paragraphs. This could include transition phrases that show the relationship between paragraphs or within them, such as cause and effect, contrast, and additional supporting points.
Logical Structure
Ensure the logical structure of your essay flows smoothly by organizing ideas from the most important to least important or from one perspective to another in a more deliberate manner. This hierarchical structure will enhance the reader's understanding and maintain their interest throughout the essay.
Introduction Conclusion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, strive for a stronger thesis statement and a more compelling final comment to leave a lasting impression on the reader. This could be achieved by clearly stating your position in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion with a definitive stance.
Task Achievement
You have done well in providing a complete response to the task by exploring both the positive and negative effects of the internet on communication and shopping. To achieve an even higher score, reflect on ensuring a balanced treatment of both sides and a decisive conclusion reflecting your nuanced understanding of the topic.
Clear Comprehensive Ideas
The ideas presented are clear, but aim to develop them further with more comprehensive supporting details and a deeper analysis. This will enhance the persuasiveness of your arguments and demonstrate a higher level of critical thinking.
Relevant Specific Examples
Incorporate more specific examples that are directly relevant to your arguments to support your points. Doing so effectively substantiates your arguments and shows a practical understanding of the topic. Try to include real-world scenarios, data, or studies that can lend credibility to your statements.
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