Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes(for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extend do you agree or disagree?

One of the widely discussed issues nowadays
it
Correct your spelling
is
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should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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unpaid community service
be
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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a required part of secondary school. Now people are beginning to realize that
for instance
, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children are necessary for
adolescents
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adolescent
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school life. Personally ,I tend to think that it is right and in my point of view it should be stayed unpaid.
Firstly
, it is well known that voluntary activities are beneficial for learners and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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should be
mandatory
Add an article
a mandatory
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part of their education . What I mean here
are
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is
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that students can improve their communication skills.
Caused by
Verb problem
Because
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, they
are participated
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participate
have participated
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in community
job
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jobs
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, and they able to learn
enormous
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an enormous
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amount of knowledge about real-life
condition
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conditions
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.
Additionally
,they
expend
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expand
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their
world view
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worldview
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and
be
Verb problem
become
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more grateful for the opportunity which was given
for
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to
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them.
Likewise
, community
works
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work
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are
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is
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advantageous for undergraduates academic life .
On the other hand
, it can
also
be argued that support services should be unpaid and I believe that it is normal .
For the
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The
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reason that all work should go from
heart
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the heart
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and to not anticipate that someone will pay for it
and
Correct word choice
apply
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it
is
Verb problem
has
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taught us to help
to disable
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disabled
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individuals , substantiate nature,
to
Verb problem
apply
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do good deeds and
don’t
Verb problem
not
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expect anything in return. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account in our final analysis we can say that selfless trial is
paramount
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a paramount
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part of academic and
individuals
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individual
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life for students and people, and they can give you more valuable lessons than money.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay lacks clear and logical progression of ideas. Paragraphs are not well-developed, and there is an absence of clear topic sentences to guide the reader through the argument. The use of cohesive devices needs improvement for better clarity and flow.
Task Achievement
The essay does not fully address all parts of the task. While it attempts to provide an opinion, it fails to adequately develop and support that opinion with clear, fully extended and well-supported ideas. It is advisable to offer more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • compulsory
  • high school programmes
  • unpaid community service
  • charity
  • improving the neighbourhood
  • teaching sports
  • sense of responsibility
  • empathy
  • broader perspective
  • societal issues
  • college applications
  • job applications
  • positive impact
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