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Band 4

Shopping is the favorite free time activity for many young people today. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time rather than shopping? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#time #activity #people #activities
These days, shopping is quite popular among the younger generation.
As a result
, these days,
youngster's
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters'
show examples
 favourite spare
time
 activity is shopping because they are
being
Verb problem
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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shopaholic
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shopaholics
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.
The teens
Correct article usage
Teens
show examples
 should learn new
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 in their free
time
instead
 of
doing
Correct your spelling
going
show examples
 shopping.
This
 essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons
behind
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apply
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the youngsters are shopping in their free
time
. They are being
the
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apply
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shopaholic which they addicted to
buy
Change the verb form
buying
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 more and more new things even if they do not use and
require
Correct pronoun usage
require them
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,
this
because
Add a missing verb
is because
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of
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apply
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they can easily
influence
Wrong verb form
be influenced
show examples
 by advertisements,
therefore
, they do shopping whenever they have free
time
.
For example
, when teenagers go shopping
while
Correct word choice
apply
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they not only buy products but
also
 they take some
funs
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fun
show examples
 with whom go with. To be more elaborate, these days shopping is not just buying
stuffs
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stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
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, there
is
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are
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 some funds included.
Hence
 youngsters
do
Correct your spelling
go
show examples
 shopping when they have free
times
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time
show examples
.
However
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people should learn new
skill
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skills
show examples
 in their spare
time
instead
 of shopping because the young stage should be used appropriately without wasting like shopping.
In other words
, they should focus on their skills and academic excellence
that
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apply
show examples
how to improve and what new
skill
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skills
show examples
 learn.
For instance
, learning a new
skill
 in youth period,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will enhance their skills and knowledge in order to they will be succeed.
Hence
, young folks should learn new
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 in their spare
time
 rather than shopping because it brings several benefits
notbonly
Correct your spelling
not only
 present but
also
the
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to the
show examples
 future.
To conclude
, teenagers
do
Correct your spelling
go
show examples
 shopping when they have free
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 because they
addicted
Add a missing verb
are addicted
show examples
 to
purchase
Change the verb form
purchasing
show examples
 new products and they
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
 some fun
while
 shopping.
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, they should learn new
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 in their spare
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
instead
 of shopping because it will enhance their future with skills and knowledge.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on developing clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to more effectively introduce the main idea you plan to discuss. This will help guide the reader through your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Aim to provide more logical and precise progression of ideas. Paragraphs should flow smoothly from one to the next with appropriate use of linking words.
Task achievement
Improve the support for your arguments. Use more specific examples and data to back up your points to strengthen the overall essay.
Task achievement
Expand on the ideas you introduce. Each should be developed fully with explanations and examples in order to address all parts of the prompt thoroughly.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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