IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Why do students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you ‎think this has more advantages or disadvantages?‎

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There is no doubt that some people need to do part-time
jobs
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 to accommodate their studies.
Conversely
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, certain individuals are engaged in part-time
jobs
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 as a hobby. In my opinion, some equal merits and demerits lead to
this
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 statement. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on my perspective regarding
this
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 issue.
To begin
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 with, college students who
work
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 half-time
jobs
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 get extra cash that they can use to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their needs.
Therefore
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, they can learn how to be independent and do not have to ask for it to their parents.
For instance
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, my sister is a barista in a coffee shop somewhere in Jakarta. She gets paid every month with a rational salary
that is
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 enough for her to pay her rent and buy things she desires.
Moreover
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, you can easily get a job once you graduate because you already have
work
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 experience before. Nowadays,
according to
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 job recruiters, they value
work
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 more than organizational experience.
For example
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, my brother does side-
work
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 as an admin in a company
although
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 he is currently enrolled in university.
As a result
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, he easily gets accepted into a reputable company with a high income.
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 drawbacks to having a part-time.
Firstly
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, it can interfere with your
overall
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 grades during your studies. To illustrate, a friend of mine does not have good skill of time management,
as a result
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, he often abandons his college assignments and ends up getting terrible scores.
Secondly
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, having to
work
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 aside from pursuing your degree is a large responsibility to handle.
Consequently
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, people regularly feel exhausted from managing two duties at the same time. In conclusion, there are equal upsides and downsides to having to
work
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while
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also
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 focusing on your education. Doing part-time
jobs
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 is for students who are good at organizing stuff to do,
therefore
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 they can get good grades
as well as
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 a convincing salary.

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coherence cohesion
While your essay does include an introduction and conclusion and there is a logical progression of ideas, additional linking phrases and cohesive devices could be used to make the progression of ideas even clearer and to help the essay flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but the support could be improved by developing your arguments further and providing deeper analysis or more varied examples. Aim to explore each main point more thoroughly.
task achievement
You did address the task, providing a balanced view of advantages and disadvantages, but consider expanding on your views and providing a more in-depth discussion of the implications of part-time work during studies. Show a wider range of language to help elaborate on these points.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear, but sometimes lack comprehensive development. To improve, ensure that each paragraph fully addresses the aspect of the topic it sets out to discuss. This will also help you ensure a complete response to the question.
task achievement
You provided personal examples, but to strengthen your argument and make it more relevant, consider incorporating more generalized examples or statistical evidence that can be applied widely across the student population.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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