IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many people spend less time in their homes. What do you think are the reasons? what effects does it have on individuals and the society?

#people #time #homes #effects #individuals #society
In various
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 around the world, a lot of people are spending most of their
time
 in different places
out side
Correct your spelling
outside
show examples
 their
residence
Fix the agreement mistake
residences
show examples
.
This
 essay
is discussing
Wrong verb form
discusses
show examples
 many reasons for
this
 point
as well as
providing
Wrong verb form
provides
show examples
 some effects. On the one hand, some people during
this
time
 believe that the causes of spending less
time
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 are many.
The first
Correct article usage
First
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
foremost,functions are the main cause for
this
 argument.
Moreover
, the majority of individuals
are staying
Wrong verb form
stay
show examples
 at least 6 hours
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct article usage
the working-area
show examples
working-area
Correct your spelling
working area
show examples
 each day. To clarify, they elaborate to get found and to provide for their family’s daily needs. In
this
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 they are forced to stay away from their house and spend more
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 with their colleagues
instead
 of children and wife.
In addition
, several hobbies are considered as a primary fraction during individuals’ days.
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, communities
are fall
Change the verb form
fall
show examples
 in love with particular fancies so they will keep
going to practice
Wrong verb form
practising
show examples
 it
in
Change preposition
for in
show examples
along
Correct your spelling
long
show examples
time
 each day. The best example is that in Barka, 32% of elders
are playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 soccer games in the evening for 5 hours each day.
On the other hand
,
this
 argument may
cary
Correct your spelling
carry
 side effects on individuals and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. The first effect will be on
relationship
Add an article
the relationship
show examples
 between family members. To make it more clear, when parents, mothers or sons are spending most of their
time
 outside
home
Add an article
the home
show examples
, they can not sit together and share their news and problems. The relationship will become fragile and
week
Correct your spelling
weak
show examples
.
Furthermore
, sitting most of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 outside the house may
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to family break up in the societies.
For instance
, many researchers in Oman found that 30% of
Omanis
Replace the word
Omani
show examples
couple
Fix the agreement mistake
couples
show examples
 have been
divorce
Wrong verb form
divorced
show examples
 because fathers were spending
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
time
 far away from
houses
Correct pronoun usage
their houses
show examples
.
Thus
, individuals should realize the
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
 of spending
time
 with family and sharing their stories
as well as
 problems. In conclusion, a large number of people are spending most of
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
 outside
homes
Correct pronoun usage
their homes
show examples
due to
 pursuing a job and exercising
hoppies
Correct your spelling
hippies
.
However
, it has some effects on the relationships of members family and leads to the family break up.
Submitted by khloodalbadry26 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and consistent structure that guides the reader through your points. Consider using clear paragraphing with topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Transition words should be utilized to enhance the logical flow of information and arguments.
Task Achievement
While the essay addresses the task, the response is incomplete and the ideas presented are not fully developed. To improve, make sure to fully answer all parts of the question, providing a balanced discussion of both the reasons and the effects. Develop your main points with specific examples and explanations that are directly relevant to the topic. Strive for a comprehensive coverage of the task.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: