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Band 4.5

Some countries allow old people to work to any age that they want. Do the advantages of this outweigh its disadvantages?

#countries #people #work #age #outweigh
These days, some nations do not have the retirement
age
 for elders and they can
work
 at any
age
 if they want. I consider that
this
 phenomenon has more advantages than disadvantages.
This
 essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons. There are some benefits of senior citizens
can
Correct pronoun usage
who can
show examples
work
 at any
age
 that they want. One of the major advantages is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it saves more time for companies. To clarify, enterprises do not
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hiring fresh
candidate
Fix the agreement mistake
candidates
show examples
 to appoint because senior employees are not retired. Another major plus point is that the
government'
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 budget may be spent on other improvements. To be more specific, elder people can be
independence
Replace the word
independent
show examples
 and they can manage all their expenses without
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 financial support
such
 as
pension
Add an article
a pension
show examples
. There are some drawbacks of retaining the senior staffs in working place. One of the major disadvantages is that it creates unemployment.
This
 is because, senior employees
are worked in
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 long hours and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not take
break
Fix the agreement mistake
breaks
show examples
 from
work
, and
as a result
, youth generations who finish their graduation suffer
unemployment
Change preposition
from unemployment
show examples
. Another
drawbacks
Replace the adjective
drawback
show examples
 is that it reduces the
productive
Replace the word
productivity
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 enterprises
due to
senior
Correct article usage
the senior
show examples
 population
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 more health issues.
For instance
, if elders
work
 In companies without young blood, productivity will
reduces
Change the verb form
reduce
show examples
 because they suffer some
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
 like
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
show examples
 pressure,
sugar
Correct word choice
high sugar
show examples
 and heart disease.
To conclude
, the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 do not
alocate
Correct your spelling
allocate
locate
 pension
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 to elders and it saves time for hiring new workers
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the advantages of the old people can
work
 in any
age
while
 it reduces the productivity in enterprises and it brings unemployment situations are the disadvantages.
This
 trend has more benefits than drawbacks.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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introduction/conclusion
Ensure clarity and brevity in your introduction and conclusion, aiming to provide a concise thesis and summarizing key points without introducing new information.
supported main points
Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs with clear main ideas, supported by specific and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Aim for a more thorough development of ideas, ensuring that all parts of the task are addressed adequately and comprehensively.
logical structure
Strive to link ideas cohesively, using a range of discourse markers and paragraphing effectively to guide the reader through your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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