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Band 4.5

Some people say that having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #time
Work, eat, sleep repeat can be seen as the basis
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the average human
life
.
However
,
life
 has a key element that makes all these boring aspects worthwhile, leisure. Within the first
paragraph
Add a comma
paragraph,
show examples
 the positive aspects of having less free
time
 and more
money
 will be discussed and the paragraph to follow will show why having more free
time
 and less
money
 is not beneficial.
Firstly
, the reason
as to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why having more
money
 and less free
time
 is better is simply because of the opportunities that it can afford you.
Money
 makes the whole world go round as per the metaphor: ”
money
Capitalize word
Money
show examples
 is like water, it’s something that you desire but can’t live without.” Leisure can only be afforded to those who have
money
 as it solves most of our problems.
Therefore
,
money
 allows people to have a higher standard of living and
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 quality of free
time
.
Secondly
 having more free
time
 as opposed to more
money
 depreciates your quality of
life
.
This
 state puts you in a bind as once you have more free
time
 you instinctively become lazier and counterproductive. People who choose not to pursue
money
 but rather more free
time
 are far less likely to be happy as most of the necessities in
life
 require
money
, which is what they deprive themselves of.
To conclude
 the essay, leisure in the correct proportion to
money
 allows one to attain happiness through quality of free
time
 rather than quantity of free
time
.
Submitted by tshenkengm on

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task achievement
Make sure that you are directly addressing the question throughout the essay. Your argument would benefit from more pointedly answering whether you agree or disagree that having more money and less free time is better, with clear and definitive statements.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that you have a clear topic sentence for each paragraph which outlines the main idea for that paragraph, and that all subsequent sentences directly support that topic sentence.
task achievement
Each main point should be backed up with specific examples. The essay could be improved with the inclusion of statistics, personal anecdotes, or studies that illustrate the arguments made.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow between your ideas can be enhanced by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to show contrast, cause and effect, or to add information. This improves coherence and helps the reader to follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Work on a more comprehensive introduction and conclusion that more directly address the essay prompt. While both the introduction and conclusion are present, they could more clearly outline and summarize your stance on the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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