IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is argued that a number of
children
Use synonyms
 spend some
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 regularly.
This
Linking Words
 happens
due to
Linking Words
 several reasons, namely the advertisement of technology and the
entertainment
Use synonyms
 offered by utilizing
Use synonyms
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
. I wholeheartedly believe that
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon
impacting
Wrong verb form
impacts
show examples
 the younger generation negatively even though there might be a few positive results as well. It is legitimate that
children
Use synonyms
 these days own
smartphones
Use synonyms
 and
use
Use synonyms
 them daily. The predominant reason for
this
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 the advancement of technology.
Smartphone
Use synonyms
 is fairly small in
site
Correct your spelling
size
show examples
, yet we can almost do many things with it. Its efficiency has caused people, including
children
Use synonyms
, to carry it and
use
Use synonyms
 it everywhere.
Further
Linking Words
, the internet plays a crucial role in the popularity of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 among
children
Use synonyms
. With a connected device, they are able to access the internet freely. Chatting with friends, watching
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
, playing online games, creating social media
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
, and calling their parents are some of the prime examples of the
use
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
a smartphone
show examples
smartphone
Correct article usage
a smartphone
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is justifiable for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people to spend much time on their phones since there are many things they can benefit from it. Subsequent to that, many
children
Use synonyms
 love
smartphones
Use synonyms
 because of the
entertainment
Use synonyms
 offered by them. The youth these days are glued to their phones to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their needs to be entertained.
This
Linking Words
 is why online games have become very popular as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be easily accessed through
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, it has been proven that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 up
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most users
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
.
Hence
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 to dive
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media for
entertainment
Use synonyms
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
. Even though there might be some positive impact of the
use
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 for
children
Use synonyms
. I think its negative impacts outweigh the goods.
Children
Use synonyms
 have become less physically active because they prefer to sit and play with their phones.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the researcher
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 an
on-going
Correct your spelling
ongoing
show examples
 study in
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
show examples
 to the
short-attention
Correct your spelling
short attention
show examples
 span of
this
Linking Words
 young generation. They
are seeing
Wrong verb form
see
show examples
 a connection between the attention span of the
children
Use synonyms
 and the time spent on
smartphones
Use synonyms
. To recapitulate, there are main causes of why
children
Use synonyms
 tend to spend hours each day on
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 driven by the efficiency of using
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
entertainment
Use synonyms
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my view,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon leads to many negative
impact
Change to a plural noun
impacts
show examples
 on the
children
Use synonyms
’s well-being.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay mostly addresses the topic, but it falls short on fully fleshing out the reasons and implications related to children's use of smartphones. Expand on the impact of technology on children and offer more in-depth analysis and discussion to enhance the task response.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay could be improved by better organization of ideas and more effective paragraph transitions. Provide clearer topic sentences and ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next for improved cohesion.
coherence cohesion
In terms of supporting your main points, aim to incorporate a more diverse range of examples and evidence. This will strengthen the argument and provide a firmer grounding for your views on the subject matter.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: