IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #information #research #business #world
As we live in the age of
information
, people have different views about whether it is appropriate to exchange data about various fields or
this
Correct word choice
whether this
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 kind of evidence should not be published.
While
 keeping
information
 can sometimes be useful, I believe that publishing them can mitigate society’s expectations. To achieve a clear picture; it is vital to put
this
 matter into a larger context. On the one hand, it is mistakenly alleged that confidential knowledge related to different fields
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 business, science, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education is serious enough for the
policy makers
Correct your spelling
policymakers
show examples
 to avoid the community from being aware of its
last
 updates.
This
 assumption claims that ordinary people wouldn’t be able to understand
this
 new
searching
Replace the word
search
show examples
 and if they do, they won’t value it so it is better not to let them know.
Moreover
,
these
Correct pronoun usage
this
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 valuable
information
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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gained in the hardest way possible,
therefore
, should be given to those who appreciate its value and would not do anything harmful with
such
 important
information
. Indeed,
this
 is just half of the picture;
this
 issue should be seen on a broader canvas.
On the other hand
, it is more crucial to increase
level
Add an article
the level
show examples
 of education in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society through important cutting-edge
information
. By giving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals the chance to get
involve
Change the form of the verb
involved
show examples
 in
such
 matters, we would have a well-educated society with broadened horizons.
Furthermore
,
this
 can greatly contribute to
have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
 a bright and dynamic population who are keen on knowledge. Japan is a shining example
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 kind of community. In conclusion, in terms of privacy beneficial as keeping
information
 away from people might be, sharing data with them is indeed superior.
Submitted by alifarzaneh on

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Task Achievement
In terms of Task Achievement, while your essay addresses the topic and attempts a discussion of both views, there are areas where the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas could be improved. Ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses a single view, providing rich details and specific examples to substantiate your arguments. Your own opinion is present, but could be better integrated and clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, while you use some linking words and the essay has a logical flow, there could be more variety in your cohesive devices. The introduction and conclusion are clear, but the body paragraphs could be more cohesively developed with smoother transitions and clearer topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument. Ensure that the essay has a logical structure throughout and that each paragraph connects well to the overall argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • information sharing
  • scientific research
  • business
  • academic world
  • advancement of knowledge
  • progress
  • collaboration
  • cross-disciplinary research
  • open access
  • democratization of information
  • transparency
  • credibility
  • intellectual property
  • security concerns
  • commercial interests
What to do next:
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