IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

People are responsible for their happiness. Others feel happiness depends on other factors in their life. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#people #happiness #factors #life
Joy is something that everybody wants to feel. Many
people
 indicate that the citizens can make their own joyfulness,
while
 others comment that other factors in life might
also
 contribute to humans' good
mood
such
 as weather, surroundings and so on.
This
 essay will try to explore both sides and
at the end
, I will share my point of view. On the one hand, in my opinion, human beings always should try to make themselves happy, even if they are in a bad situation, by doing their favourite activities
such
 as singing, dancing,
drawing
Correct word choice
and drawing
show examples
, to name just a few.
Thus
, there are various ways that contribute to
people
 being hilarious .
For example
, my brother
comprehend
Change the verb form
comprehends
show examples
 how doing sports frequently can help him to maintain a good
mood
.
Furthermore
,
people
 who achieve their goals,
also
we can consider
Wrong verb form
be considered
show examples
 as a factor for being joyful .To be more clear, it gives society satisfaction which is followed by elation.
Thus
,personal accomplishments
also
 might be a reason for the public to be happy. On the flip side, folk's
happiness
 might depend on their friends, relatives or even classmates. Saying thoroughly,
this
 type of individual's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 can give
people
happiness
 or make them upset as well.
Hence
, surrounding
people
also
 might have a great influence on an individual's
mood
.
Moreover
,external factors
such
 as whether or environment play a crucial role in humans's cheerfulness as well.
For instance
, when the weather is shiny and the clouds are clear, it is enough for me to boost my
mood
 and keep smiling throughout the day. Taking everything into account, the public can gain
happiness
 by doing plenty of leisure time activities
such
 as playing, doing some sport or setting an objective and trying to accomplish.
Therefore
, humans are responsible for their
happiness
.
Nevertheless
,
surrounded
Wrong verb form
surrounding
show examples
people
 and external factors are
also
 ways to make that person cheerful.
Submitted by alex.martirosyan201206 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The logical structure of your essay is adequately maintained although it can be improved in some places for better clarity. Ensure each paragraph has one clear main idea and the sentences within it flow in a logical manner. Use cohesive devices appropriately, making sure they enhance the readability of the text rather than distract from it.
task achievement
You've addressed the task and included your opinion as required, showing the ability to discuss both views and provide a conclusion. To improve, make sure your response fully addresses all parts of the task. Develop your ideas more comprehensively, providing further elaboration and depth to your arguments. Ensure that the examples you use are not only relevant but also detailed enough to effectively illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Self-reliance
  • Positive psychology
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Well-being
  • Mindset
  • Personal choices
  • Environmental factors
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Emotional resilience
  • Quality of life
  • Subjective well-being
  • External circumstances
What to do next:
Look at other essays: