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Writing Samples
Band 5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Widespread
of
Change preposition
apply
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technology has changed everyone's daily routine in various ways. Nowadays,
smartphones
Use synonyms
 have been a crucial part of people including
children
Use synonyms
's lives. There might be several reasons that indicate why
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation
spend
Correct subject-verb agreement
spends
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 some hours on their
phones
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 daily.
Also
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 attitude toward mobile
phones
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 might have some consequences. There are different factors which motivate youngsters to spend so much
time
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 surfing the net or just being on their
phones
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
, nowadays, parents are in a rush most of the
time
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 and they cannot make
time
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 for their beloved
children
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. So, they try to fill
this
Linking Words
 gap and entertain their kids with their
smartphones
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 to not hear their naggings.
Secondly
Linking Words
, there are actually millions of interesting options in
smartphones
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 that can entertain you for several hours,
for instance
Linking Words
, games, cartoons, movies, songs
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc.
Children
Use synonyms
get
Verb problem
are
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 amazed by
this
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oportunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 and don'
t
Use synonyms
 show the tendency to replace it with any other activity. And
thirdly
Linking Words
,
new
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the new
show examples
 generation doesn'
t
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 have enough hobbies. Some
of
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apply
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children
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's worlds are centered around their
smartphones
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 which means, they are not even aware of any other activity, and identify scrolling on their phone as their leisure
time
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 activity.
This
Linking Words
 attitude in
children
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 might be considered as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative or positive in various situations, but in my opinion, its negativity
outweigh
Change the verb form
outweighs
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 its positivity for several reasons. The most vital reason for
this
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 statement is
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
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 of physical movement
as a result
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 of spending
time
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 on
smartphones
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.
Children
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 tend to sit still more than
previous
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in previous
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 decades and it can affect the normal process of their growth. It can
also
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 lead to obesity which has
proven
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been proven
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 by scientists to be concerning in the future.
Last
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 but not least, lack of real communication in
children
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as a result
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 of focusing on their
smartphones
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 only can lead to unsociable juveniles.
As a result
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 of
phone
Add an article
the phone
show examples
 being
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
attention,
children
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 don'
t
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 make real
freiends
Correct your spelling
friends
 and don'
t
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 have real interactions with other people, so they won'
t
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 be able to improve
tactics
Correct article usage
the tactics
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 of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
beneficial communication. In conclusion,
widespread
Correct article usage
the widespread
show examples
 of technology
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
specifically
smartphones
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 has caused so many troubles in the growth process of kids which must be prevented by parents.
For instance
Linking Words
, they can set some boundaries about
children
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's screen
time
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 and get the phone back at that prefixed hour.
This
Linking Words
 way they have
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 in hours of using their
phones
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 and may be forced to find something more advantageous to do during their day.
Submitted by eyvaziniloofar on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. It is important to sequence information and ideas efficiently to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that clearly state the topic and summarize the main points. This structure helps provide clarity and closure to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Support the main points with clear, relevant examples. While you have included reasons and some examples, more specific and detailed illustrations could enhance the arguments presented.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task prompt. Ensure that you provide a thorough explanation of all aspects of the issue, including the reasons for children spending hours on smartphones and both the positive and negative developments of this trend.
task achievement
Present clear, comprehensive ideas and thoughts with well-developed explanations. You should articulate your points of view in a detailed manner to strengthen your position.
task achievement
Incorporate a range of relevant examples to support your ideas. Using a wide variety of specific and relatable instances can make your argument more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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