IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

at the present time,the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults,compared with the number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #advantage #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, the population of some people (most land) includes a relatively large figure of young
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 Compared with the
statistic
Fix the agreement mistake
statistics
show examples
 of
older
Add an article
the older
an older
show examples
 population. Most folk do not want to have children.
This
Linking Words
 is possible for various reasons, including childcare expenses and the deterioration of societies. In
Correct your spelling
this essay
thisessay
Correct your spelling
this essay
, I will explore the advantages and disadvantages of a large total of young
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
,Compared with the sum of
older
Add an article
the older
an older
show examples
 crowd. I will start by looking at the advantages. One of the essential advantages of
this
Linking Words
 major is that
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 crowd have more experience, and they can help society and young
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.It can help
regime
Add an article
the regime
show examples
 to run public.
Secondly
Linking Words
,young
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 can not run startups and big businesses;
however
Linking Words
,older folk can run new startups because they have money and can produce work. When producing work, The economy grows, And
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 can become rich.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,the workforce will decrease because older
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
, after retirement age, can not work correctly, and many jobs will be lost. So,
state
Fix the agreement mistake
states
show examples
 need a workforce and are forced to accept immigrants.
This
Linking Words
 may bring many social and economic damages,
Such
Linking Words
 as the loss of culture and inflation for the nation who live in that country.
Also
Linking Words
, If one country has a large statistic of young
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 Compared with the sum of
older
Add an article
the older
an older
show examples
 population ,
state
Add an article
the state
show examples
 should spend more money on insurance. Every
person
Use synonyms
, when they reach retirement age, needs insurance, And the duty of insurance and spending for the elderly is the responsibility of the government. In conclusion, It is not suitable for authority that the figure of
young
Add an article
a young
the young
show examples
person
Use synonyms
 is less than
older
Correct article usage
an older
show examples
 family. So, the government is trying to accept young immigrants to fill
this
Linking Words
 gap.
Submitted by bahram.azizzade on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and previews the main points to be discussed.
logical structure
Structure your essay by developing clear and logically connected paragraphs, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea.
supported main points
Provide clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to establish the main point, followed by supporting sentences to elaborate.
complete response
Adequately address both parts of the prompt by discussing the advantages and disadvantages in a balanced manner and giving a clear opinion on whether one outweighs the other.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify the development of ideas with a range of vocabulary and sentence structures that accurately conveys your messages.
relevant specific examples
Include specific examples that are directly relevant to the topic to support your arguments and enhance the clarity of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: