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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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It is claimed that now the younger generation prefers using gadgets the whole of their spare time
instead
 of other activities that were common among children before the appearance of gadgets. From my point of view, the tendency of using smartphones from birth is depressing, it badly affects the development of a child.
Hence
, I believe it has more negative consequences than positive. In fact, the initial goal of
this
 invention was to make our lives better and more convenient.
However
, now
this
 influences people in a bad way, especially children. First of all, using smartphones for a long time hurts our health.
For instance
,
this
 causes eye and back problems, but the scariest thing is it influences our brains. There are many cases in the world when people struggle with mental problems
as well as
 physical.
Secondly
, using it kids do not interact with the social environment in a sufficient way.
This
 can lead to undeveloped communication and other important skills for life.
Such
 things usually form in childhood and
then
 in adulthood, they help build strong relationships in personal life and work as well.
Hence
, those who miss
this
 important step will lose a huge number of opportunities in the future. In conclusion, I would like to say that we have to admit the fact that gadgets can bring us not only opportunities but problems too. They cause many diseases which are linked not only with our physical state but psychologically too. It is really important to maintain the mental stability of youth.
Moreover
, it does not allow them to develop in society as a person.
Submitted by ddoiron on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay, with more varied linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to introducing the topic and concluding effectively to create a strong impact on the reader, ensuring both elements are well-developed and summarise the key points succinctly.
coherence cohesion
Focus on fully developing your main points with detailed explanations and a greater range of evidence, including clear and relevant examples to support the claims made.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task by discussing both sides, where applicable, or all parts of the question, to ensure a complete response.
task achievement
Strive for clarity in presenting your ideas by structuring them into clear, comprehensive paragraphs, avoiding repetition and ensuring that all sentences contribute to your argument or topic discussion.
task achievement
Incorporate a wider range of specific examples and evidence to showcase a deeper analysis of the topic and to make your argument more convincing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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