At the present time the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
In the contemporary epoch, a huge part of some countries' population consists of youngsters in comparison to elders number. I personally believe that
this
issue can bring many advantages and disadvantages. In other words
, this
is two sides of a penny. However
, from my point of view, the cons outweight
the pros Correct your spelling
outweigh
due to
the reasons discussed in the following paragraphs.
To commence with, adolescents are the most precious cohorts in every country
and can play a significant role in their country
's fate because of some factors like body health. In addition
, youngsters have more energy and movivation
to get involved in difficult occupations which necessitate physical Correct your spelling
motivation
strenght
like Correct your spelling
strength
constructions
, Fix the agreement mistake
construction
workers
and so forth. Replace the word
work
Furthermore
, every developing nation needs fresh
Correct article usage
a fresh
work force
for national Correct your spelling
workforce
developing
projects and Replace the word
development
large
number of young adults can fulfil Change the article
a large
the large
this
goal and this
is considered a
Correct article usage
apply
superiority
to their other counterparts. To illustrate an example, my grandfather built an enormous marvellous stone bridge in his youth, but Replace the word
superior
befor
he passed away, he was not even able to go to Correct your spelling
before
bathroom
by himself and was totally disabled.
Add an article
the bathroom
In contrast
to youngsters, any old individual not only has not his full health,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
may have some serious problems and needs someone taking care of him. Moreover
, this
crowd of lower-aged people would get old soon and by looking at nowadays society, we can recognize this
trend after a hundered
years and the Correct your spelling
hundred
country
has to accept the old nation it has. Another major effect of having a colossal number of young immigrants in a country
is that the opportunity to get hired in a prospective job would gradually reduced
for the young citizens who have studied and shoe Change the verb form
reduce
be reduced
effort
to get their dream job. Correct article usage
an effort
Thus
, there should be a balance in having both populations in the society.
To conclude
, this
is true that every country
needs fresh and powerful workers and it would be more efficient to have more of them but they have to make a balance between over and under ages to prevent long-term problems. To put in
a nutshell, having a balance in Correct pronoun usage
it in
this
problem is a better choice for survival in
all Change preposition
at
time
.Fix the agreement mistake
times
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Introduction/Conclusion
While you presented an introduction and conclusion, they could be more clearly defined to immediately indicate your position on the issue. It is essential for both elements to succinctly sum up your overall outlook and the central points that will be or have been discussed.
Logical Sequence
Your essay displays an attempt at logical structuring; however, the progression of ideas can be improved. Aim to use cohesive devices to better link your points, ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. This will strengthen the overall readability and coherence of your argument.
Supporting Details
While main ideas are present, they would benefit from being more fully expanded, with additional details, explanations, and relevant examples. Be sure to explain how each idea specifically relates to the prompt, and integrate examples to substantiate your arguments.
Task Fulfillment
You've addressed the task but should aim to fully cover all parts of the prompt. Ensure that your position on the advantages and disadvantages is clear throughout the essay, and elaborate more on your reasoning behind why one outweighs the other.
Idea Development
Try to articulate your ideas clearly and comprehensively to convey a stronger command of the topic. Work on articulating your argument in a way that is precise and effective, and consider the organization of your content for maximum impact.
Use of Examples
The use of specific examples is crucial for illustrating your points and enhancing your arguments. Look for opportunities to integrate real-world examples that are directly relevant to the topic at hand, as this will make your essay more persuasive and impactful.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example