IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

children who are brought up in families that do not have large amount of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brough up by wealthy parents. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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kids who are raised by a non-wealthy family ready to face a mature life than kids with rich parents. I could not agree more with
this
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 statement. I believe kids who grow up with a small amount of money have a lot of experiences for the future.
To begin
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 with,
people
Use synonyms
 who are not considered rich usually have to do more for things they want.
for example
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, younger individuals who do not attend school
due to
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 financial problems are more likely to have a job in order to get paid so they can have a formal education.
moreover
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, if individuals aim for higher education like a university, they must sign up for scholarships to cover their needs.
In addition
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,
this
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 kind of struggle they through when they were little developed them to be able to face
further
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 lives.
On the other hand
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, children who are raised by wealthy parents never experience the struggle of poor
people
Use synonyms
. they live in stable conditions
such
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 as the economy.
Furthermore
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, privilege is the main reason why rich
people
Use synonyms
 may not be ready to experience adult life. When they were younger, they used to get what they wanted without any hard actions. So they have never felt hard times. apart from that, they have plenty of opportunities to learn and practice.
for example
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, if one wants to study abroad they do not need to be worried about the finances they have, it will directly take them to the chance.
to sum up
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, in the battle of low finances
people
Use synonyms
 gained the ability to face the future. high financial
people
Use synonyms
 do not.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your position. While the topic is introduced, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing key points and restating your opinion more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas, but ensure they are used accurately. The logical structure could be improved with clearer paragraphing and better transitions between them.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points with focused explanations and relevant examples. While the essay presents general supporting points, more specific examples would enhance the argument.
task achievement
Fully respond to all parts of the prompt. This includes discussing to what extent you agree or disagree. The essay should consistently reflect your view throughout.
task achievement
Organize ideas clearly and logically. Support each point with specific details or examples. The argument is discernible but could be organized more effectively to guide the reader through your perspective.
task achievement
Ensure ideas are relevant and detailed to fully satisfy the prompt's requirements. Some examples are provided but they need to be expanded upon to demonstrate a clearer understanding of the topic.
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