IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #business #company #organization #outweigh
Owning a
business
 has become a popular decision in recent years, compared to working as an employee. Despite causing some drawbacks, I strongly believe that starting a
business
 brings more advantages than shortcomings. On the one hand, owning a
business
 gives several benefits. One advantage is that we work sincerely as we build a
business
 that matches our character.
In other words
, we have our own rules for running the
company
 which had been a utopia before.
For instance
, we can set our working time and not be tied with some certain rule to take days off.
Consequently
, it brings positive impacts to our mental health. Another benefit is that building a
company
 means we have a large proportion of shares in the
company
.
As a result
, we will get higher earnings when the
company
 gains profit.
On the other hand
, it
also
 brings some negative impacts.
Firstly
, being the owner of a
business
 is an extremely
high pressure
Add a hyphen
high-pressure
show examples
 profession. One reason is that the possibility of facing failure in building a
company
 is very high and it is the owner's responsibility to prevent that from happening. Another potential drawback is that owning a
company
 is causing irregular
earning
Fix the agreement mistake
earnings
show examples
.
This
 happens because the salary accepted by the owner depends on the
business
 earnings, whether it gains profit or loss. In conclusion,
albeit
Change preposition
despite
show examples
 some problems
such
 as high stress and
fluctuated
Wrong verb form
fluctuating
show examples
 earnings, I believe that the benefits of starting a
business
 far outweigh the shortcomings. The advantage includes working in a dream
company
 and receiving a higher salary.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a logical structure with clear and distinct paragraphs. The paragraphs in your essay should flow in a logical manner, with each body paragraph presenting a clear main idea followed by supporting sentences.
coherence cohesion
Always include an introduction and conclusion, which you have done satisfactorily. The introduction should state the topic and briefly outline your key points, while the conclusion should summarize your main ideas and restate your position.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples and further explanation. The examples provided are relevant, but you should aim to develop them further to clarify your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Address the task fully by responding to all parts of the question. You have satisfactorily covered the advantages and disadvantages but expand on the impact of these advantages and disadvantages to give a more comprehensive response.
task achievement
Deliver clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the essay. Aim for clarity and depth in presenting your arguments by further explaining your reasons and providing additional examples where appropriate.
task achievement
Use relevant examples to support your points. It is necessary to give specific examples that directly relate to your main points. This involvement ensures your arguments are convincing and gives weight to your points of view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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