IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

To what extent has the traditional male role changed in the last 20 years? Many people believe that women make better parenting than men and that this is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Write an essay expressing your point of view. Give reasons for your answer.

#role #years #people #women #men #children #societies #point
There is a
widely
Change the adverb
wide
show examples
 view in society,
women
Correct pronoun usage
that women
show examples
 contribute to bringing up
children
 than men.
On the contrary
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people claim that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 men are just as good as
women
 at parenting. I fully agree with
this
 statement and I will elaborate including related examples in the following paragraph. It is true that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
women
 play
big
Add an article
a big
show examples
 role in the formation of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
. Because there is
Correct article usage
an opinin
show examples
opinin
Correct your spelling
opinion
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society that
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 must spend a lot of
time
 with
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. Even if they engaged
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
 with housework
simultanously
Correct your spelling
simultaneously
,
nevertheless
women
 have to find
time
 to spend
their
Change preposition
with their
show examples
children
. The
Women
 should take
the whole
Correct word choice
full
show examples
 responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the child.
On the other hand
, many people
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that,
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
make
Verb problem
do
show examples
 greater parenting in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
raising
children
.
Although
 men
works
Change the verb form
work
show examples
 in hard mode, some of them can spend
time
their
Change preposition
with their
show examples
children
 after work. They
are closely take
Change the verb form
are closely taking
show examples
 part in raising and bringing up of
child
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
.
Presence
Correct article usage
The presence
show examples
 of
both
parents
 in bringing up
process
Correct article usage
the process
show examples
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
 on child
positivly
Correct your spelling
positively
.
For instance
,
according to
psychlogicly
Correct your spelling
psychological
psychologically
 analysis,
children
 who were
raising
Change the form of the verb
raised
show examples
 with
both
parents
 are more confident and positive than were
raising
Wrong verb form
raised
show examples
 with single
parents
. In conclusion, in my opinion,
both
parents
 should spend the same amount
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 with their
children
. The
children
 need to care
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
both
parents
.
Submitted by mikma on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance, and the conclusion encapsulates your points effectively. Adequate introductory and concluding paragraphs are essential.
task achievement
Develop your ideas thoroughly, with clear arguments. Each paragraph should have a central idea with supporting evidence and examples. Avoid general statements without specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of linking words appropriately to connect ideas and paragraphs. Ensure that paragraphs are well-organized and the essay maintains a clear progression of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: