IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and in 2008.

The chart below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and in 2008.
#show #percentage #adults #activities #country
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The diagrams compare the variety of
adults
Change noun form
adults'
adult's
show examples
 activities of
day
Add an article
the day
show examples
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in 1958 and in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, both of the
diagram
Change to a plural noun
diagrams
show examples
 show people spent
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
most daily hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in 1958, the highest time
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people spent was on working with the number of 33%. It
also
Linking Words
 increased
9
Change preposition
by 9
show examples
%
throughout
Change preposition
over
show examples
 50 years.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the second biggest
activity
Use synonyms
 was sleeping which
just
Add a missing verb
was just
show examples
 1% under
Correct article usage
the working's
show examples
working's
Change noun form
working
show examples
 percentage. It
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
come
Wrong verb form
came
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place in 2008, but it went down to 25%.
Next,
Linking Words
the
activity
Use synonyms
 like
hang
Change the verb form
hanging
show examples
 out with family and friends was the third rank in 1958 with 19%.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 aspect was the smallest percentage in 2008 with roughly 6% as same as the percentage of other
activity
Use synonyms
 in that year.
Lastly
Linking Words
, the remaining 16% was spent on relaxing at home, travelling to work, and other
Use synonyms
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 in 1958.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in 2008, those aspects
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
stood at 27%.
Submitted by joyapakpahan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words activity with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "diagrams" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • technological advancements
  • leisure activities
  • household chores
  • gender roles
  • modern lifestyle
  • fast food trends
  • sleep patterns
  • health and well-being
  • societal impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: